Connect-Discover-Learn-Share
Maggies_Blog_Not_Yet_Mum_Myself_Pregnant

I think of myself pregnant, round and heavy

Spread the love

I wonder what being a mum will be like.

Often are the times I think about it, wondering if this is something I will succeed at. I think of myself pregnant, round and heavy. Will I be moody and tired every day, or if I will glow like people commonly say to particularly heavy women?

I wonder what my first day will be like.

When I hold that precious little thing in my arms, will I weep at the overwhelming beauty of bringing forth new life? Will I lose my mind over how I don’t know how to care for such a fragile being?

Then I think past that first day.

To when he’s learning to crawl and I’m cheering him on. When she’s starting to eat – wanting more than just my breast milk. When I first hear the words ‘mummy’ and witness his first steps towards me. I imagine that, because of her, I’ll be the proudest human being.

What of the first day of school? Will I be able to wave goodbye and watch my little child go out into a new world away from me? I ponder, will I wait anxiously by the door for his return back home — so we can play around with the alphabet as the teacher taught them to?

Maggies_Blog_Not_Yet_Mum_Motherhood_Fears

How about when my not so little one joins first grade? Now that he’s a big boy who pretends he doesn’t need me! Will I be at peace with the knowledge that the days are going by so fast?

I don’t look forward to those teen years. To the fights over boys and the constant shouting and cold treatment. The misunderstandings and the rules I hate to impose — but will have to, for her own good.

I might probably tell her more than she needs to know when we talk about sex. Then I will end the talk with a warning. And a thought as to whether I should show her what a condom looks like.

Well — what if my not so little one be a boy, not the girl, of which experience I have been through?

When he goes to high school, I’ll be afraid that he will meet all sorts of people who will influence his mindset in crazy ways. I’ll be afraid that he will be exposed to drugs and immorality. That he will suddenly think church is uncool. I dread that his daddy might catch him smoking marijuana at a corner.

The campus days will be beyond my control. I wonder if she will fall deeply in love — a replica of her mother. If she will make some stupid, regrettable choices.

And cry.

If she will know who she is and be a strong, independent, young lady; if she will turn out okay at the end.

The truth is, I am afraid to be a parent.

I am afraid that I will get it all wrong. Terrified that I could be the reason my child ends up a messed up wreck. Sometimes I think I’d rather not take that chance. But then I think perhaps it could just go the other way. That I could hack it. And be deserving of the #1 Mum trophy.

I have no idea. And it’s not like this comes with a manual anyway.

The best I can do is learn. Learn from stories. Learn from my own joy, pain and wishes as a child. Learn from what God teaches me.

Why do I want to write on the parenting genre? Because this is currently my biggest fear — and I plan to channel this fear to create stories that will go beyond me.

Because boldness will be the first baby that I conceive and nurture.

14 Comments

  1. Anthony Wambui on May 16, 2018 at 7:24 am

    At times its like you write my mind.. Every day I interact with my learners there’s always that constant thought of if I will be a better parent than most of my parents.. I pray and hope that when that time comes I will not make the same mistakes that parents make.. I hope that I will be able to nurture him or her to a better and complete being… love your closing line though.. keep inspiring

    • Margaret Mungai on May 17, 2018 at 7:40 am

      I think deep down this is our biggest fear and prayer. That we can actually be responsible for a life and nurture it to become a wholly whole human being. We learn and see a lot as we teach. We get to see the things that so many people struggle with and get to think of how to do it right when our time comes.

  2. Ford on May 16, 2018 at 8:13 am

    Wow….simply Woooooooow….you are simply amazing. This gives me alot to think about.

    • Margaret Mungai on May 18, 2018 at 2:54 pm

      Thank you dear. This honestly all I got in the way of words. Plenty humbled.

  3. Bella on May 16, 2018 at 8:25 am

    All the best on this one. It’s one of my hurdles, but I’m okay with not exploring it.

    We got you. Congrats for being bold. She is a beautiful baby.

    • Margaret Mungai on May 18, 2018 at 2:56 pm

      Thank you dearie. I appreciate all the support thus far.
      It’s a difficult place for each one of us I suppose. But it’s okay to go with what you think is best for you. At least, in my opinion it is.

  4. Nyambura on May 16, 2018 at 9:07 am

    How refreshing to read about a “not yet parent” it’s a different perspective, a good one.

    Cannot wait to read your next article and follow you until you became a parent.

    • Margaret Mungai on May 18, 2018 at 2:58 pm

      Thank you. There’s much I would like to say on this, but I suppose the journey will tell it all.

      The articles are coming! I am more than grateful for all your support.

  5. Jojo😘 on May 16, 2018 at 9:42 am

    I love the fact that we share the same sentiments, parenting has no manual will I be the #1 trophy mom or my child’s best friend. Wishing you the best in this new journey. Looking forward to read more of your piece👌👌

    • Margaret Mungai on May 18, 2018 at 3:00 pm

      It’s always so good to know that someone out there gets exactly what we are going through. Thanks for the support. More are definitely on the way.

  6. Sammy Nanja on May 17, 2018 at 5:01 pm

    This is absolutely awesome

    • Margaret Mungai on May 18, 2018 at 3:00 pm

      Thank you so much.

  7. Farsha on May 20, 2018 at 4:17 pm

    Round and heavy….😂😂😂 i picture myself and laugh

    My biggest fears would be will i screw up their life,will the choices i make really be best for them and finally do i have the capability of being selfless like many mothers out there.

    Nice read Mami💓

  8. Maggie on May 28, 2018 at 6:22 am

    I hope and pray I will be My Son’s Friend, His Guardian Angel.

Leave a Reply Cancel Reply