At peace despite losing Baby

Winnie Thuku lost her baby in the last leg of her pregnancy journey. She is at peace however, knowing that her little girl will be spending her first Christmas in heaven.

I have always looked forward to becoming a mother, but there never was an opportune moment to start out. I was always busy furthering my career. And while I was doing that, I kept telling myself that I was not financially prepared to bring up a child. Towards the end of 2007, I decided to take the plunge, saying to myself that it was time to become a mother, and sure enough I conceived in November.

The first trimester was problematic. I would experience stomach and backaches that would become severe late in the afternoons. I never experienced morning sickness though: mine was more evening and night sickness. The pains were so intense I would swear never to get pregnant again. Up to today I still shiver when I remember those first few months, but with the second trimester the pains lessened—I was able to feel slightly normal. During the third trimester, my tummy became big with my baby, now active. I would wonder when she slept because she was always kicking.

14 June this year is a day that will forever remain etched in my mind. It was a typical day. I left work feeling well. As usual, my baby was active, but at night she just went quiet. At around 1 am, I started visiting the bathroom frequently, rushing there after every 10 minutes.

Towards morning, I was unable to contain my pain. It was horrendous. I called my doctor and explained the situation. He said that it was normal to get false labor, but advised that I rush to the hospital for a check-up. By the time I reached the hospital, it was clear to me that this was not false labor; my baby was on the way. I have never felt such pain in my life!

Quick checkups were done but the doctors did not tell me what was wrong. The doctors examined me. only mentioned that my eyes were paper white and I was bleeding internally thus I needed a lot of blood. I insisted on knowing what was wrong when I realized that there was trouble. My whole system stopped functioning—I was emotionally in pain: a pain that masked the physical pain. My baby was gone, Just like that. I felt like my world had come to an end.

The doctors questioned my movements over the previous week, trying to establish the cause of death. I told them that I fell a few days ago. but took a scan after that, which confirmed I was alright. They explained that even if the scan had not detected any abnormalities, the fall had caused the placenta to partially detach, but as time went by. it fully dislodged causing ‘placenta abruption’. This condition cut off the oxygen supply and my baby succumbed to death. For me, no explanation was good enough. I was angry with God: I didn’t understand why He had to let it happen. Nothing made sense anymore. I felt inadequate for not carrying my baby to full term. I felt hopeless.

But that was just the beginning. My baby was dead and she had to be removed. In the meantime, I was receiving blood. Unfortunately, no matter how painful my body felt, the baby’s passage refused to open. I was then induced, and the pain was even more unbearable. I labored from Saturday night to Monday noon. All this while, the passage did not open. I had to undergo a C-section. Problem was, that I did not have enough blood, and doctors felt it was not wise to have the operation. By this time, I had felt so much pain, both physically and emotionally, that I could not have cared less about my life. I just wanted the baby out, so I signed the papers.

Going to the theatre was one thing—waking up was another. I lost more blood than I was getting during the operation. Doctors described my waking up as a miracle. Up to today, they are still in awe of what God can do because medically, the chances of me waking up were very slim. The head surgeon told me that he had done his work, and waited for God to do His part.

The healing process was miraculous, though very painful. I received a lot of support from family and friends. I had a hard time accepting that my baby was gone. I had bonded with her from the day I knew I was pregnant. I had loved her so very much, and she had changed my world. She had made me more focused in life. Life will never be the same without her. Coping with her death has been a big challenge, but I am now beginning to accept the reality. I cannot change my past, and I cannot dwell on it. As much as the past will never be forgotten. I will not lose the richness of each day by fretting about the past. I now focus on the gift that she was to me and rejoice for every day I was with her. She left footprints in my heart.

This story is not supposed to bring sadness. Shed a passing tear if you must, but know that my baby girl is in God’s loving arms and she will spend her first Christmas in heaven.

END: PG15/32-33