When the baby does not Make it

One of the happiest days in my life was when my son and daughter in-law told me they were expecting a baby. I was going to be a grandmother! I could hardly think of anything else but preparation, preparation and more preparation. Most importantly, I thought to pray for the baby’s and the mother’s well being.

Our joy was short-lived though, for the dreams we had build over the months began unravelling like a cheap sweater at month seven of the pregnancy. My daughter-in-law developed complications and the baby’s heart beat went mum. Watching my grandson, sweetly and lifelessly lying there was most heartrending. And it was definitely harder for my son and daughter in-law.

Just how does one help somebody who has lost a baby through miscarriage; still birth or cot death?

There are general misconceptions that most of us make during these sad times.

The first one is that the baby was too small to matter. Once a woman gets pregnant, her whole self begins to prepare for the arrival of the baby. Unless it is a crisis pregnancy, one begins to ready physically, emotionally and materially for the baby’s arrival. Hence when the baby is lost at whatever stage, it becomes distressing to the parents and those that are close to them. That was a baby, a being. Avoid the temptation to say. ‘It was not even a baby yet.’ Some grieving mothers have shared with me some very insensitive comments by friends and relatives who come to comfort them.

The second misconception is that fathers of the baby feel nothing since they never get to carry the baby. The truth is that they begin to prepare emotionally, socially and materially for the arrival of the baby. They have felt the baby kicking in the mother’s womb, remember? Men may show their grief differently but that is not to mean they are not feeling it. They need as much help as the mother to come to terms with the loss.

Thirdly, there is the warped notion that when one is a Christian, they will not grieve and/or show grief. Otherwise it would imply that their faith is wanting.

Christians who lose their babies are human and are therefore just as vulnerable. The only difference is that the Christian faith emphasizes on the superfluous availability of hope after grief and the ability to carry on having learnt from the experience.

It is also wrong to assume that everyone grieves in the same way. Grief is affected by many factors, including culture, family background, spiritual inclinations, single or multiple loses, mental and emotional stability, support from those around.

However, there are general experiences that one may go through when they lose a baby.

These are:

Denial

One shuts themselves completely from the loss. They go on as if the loss did not happen. Some women have been known to continue wearing maternity clothes even after the loss of the baby. Some continue to experience the symptoms of pregnancy even after the pregnancy is no more.

When you are dealing with someone like this, do not try to push them out of their denial immediately. Denial is a way the body uses to deal with very unpleasant experiences.

Tenderly begin to help them realise that the baby is gone; they are slim again, and can consequently begin to wear their hey-day clothes. They may react angrily to this but do not take it personally.

Anger & Bitterness

Many times, loss is accompanied by anger. This anger may be directed towards friends, family members, doctors, nurses and even God. The doctor did not come on time, the nurse did not call, the husband was not there when it happened, and therefore, he does not care. ‘And just where was God when my baby died?* the aggrieved will ask. Sometimes the anger is directed at self.

This is grief anger, which culminates in bitterness that taints every other thing subsequently. As you comfort this person, do not try to shut them from expressing anger. If anything, encourage them to vent. Should it get out of control, seek professional help.

Depression

This occurs when the victim despairs, seeing no future or meaning in life. Depression is not a sin. If you are helping a person who is depressed because of their loss, do not insist on jerking them out of the hole. That might only pound them further. Help them to run errands and perform chores they may have no energy for at the time. Assist in shopping and cleaning up. and help out with the children, but do not take over their lives. Aid in carefully bringing them back to normalcy where they will be re-exposed to reality.

Emptiness

At times, the griever feels like a big hole has been left in their lives. The baby’s empty room may enhance this emptiness. They may try to cram this void with lots and lots of activities like going back to work immediately, avoiding the baby room or looking at the things one had bought, going to the gym. engaging in charitable work, working late—just about any involvement, so as not to think about the loss.

Well, they may succeed for a while, but the grief is likely to catch up with them. One needs to slow down, accept the loss, grieve, and then begin to move on. It can be very painful but it needs to be done. Help them to do it slowly but surely.

It is important to highlight that not everyone will experience these emotions. Some may experience all of them, some a few of them and still, some not at all. So. do not impose the experiences on the bereaved. They neither come in a straight line. They often overlap or go back and forth.

More probable symptoms

Poor concentration, memory loss, insomnia, fear, feelings of rejection, extreme loneliness and digestive disturbances are more probable symptoms that are resultant of the caused emotional instability. They may avoid seeing babies or become so intensely keen on babies, that they could steal one and make believe that it is their own.

When visiting one who has just lost a baby, be sensitive enough not to go with your new born baby. Not necessarily because they will do the aforementioned, but because you want their healing process to be graceful.

As you begin to accept loss and start to want to move on, you begin to learn from it. You accept the fact that life is made of joy and pain. And the experience becomes a step to grace and growth. You come out a better person, able to feel with and help those going through grief and loss. You appreciate the help from those around you; friends, family, church, and more, and look for opportunities to help those in your prior circumstance.

Pain is all around us. It can be a tool to mature and better people, or it can be weapon of destruction. The choice is always ours.

Grace Ojiambo is the National Director of Kenya Youth for Christ and former Executive Director of Crisis Pregnancy Ministries Kenya.

END: PG 16/40-41