Infidelity during pregnancy – Views by Dr. Frank Njenga

Infidelity during pregnancy – why do some men stray, develop cheating tendencies and eventually become unfaithful to their wives when expecting a baby? Pregnant Magazine sought the views of Dr. Frank Njenga, a leading Nairobi-based Psychiatrist.

Is infidelity during pregnancy common?

The truth of the matter is that some men and women do drift away from each other, with or without pregnancy. In the case that you are referring to- involving a man cheating during pregnancy, I would like be sure that it is the pregnancy that actually drove the man away to another woman, and not just the usual drifting. Is the infidelity during pregnancy therefore, due to the pregnancy?

Why do men cheat on their pregnant wives?

There are some instances when marriages become more challenging and difficult — like during pregnancy. Which may change the question “why do men cheat on their pregnant wives?” to “why do some men cheat on their pregnant wives?”

First, I know that sometimes there are pregnant women whose pregnancies “don’t like” their husbands. Many women will attest to this.

It’s a very common thing, and it is not strange to hear experienced mothers tell you, ‘My first pregnancy was really ‘friendly’ to the father of the baby but the second one was ‘hostile’ to the father.’ These are not just tales from a doctor. They reflect hormonal changes that take place during pregnancy.

Second, the same pregnant woman will tell you that in the first three months of her pregnancy she couldn’t stand the sight of her husband and in the second trimester of the same pregnancy she couldn’t stand being away from him!

When pregnancy infidelity develops, we ask when and why

Circumstances may push him to unfaithfulness during the pregnancy of his wife. The question is, which circumstances? It is therefore necessary to pose and wonder, at what stage did the man drift away?

• If it’s a young inexperienced person going through the first pregnancy with his wife, he might misinterpret the hormonal changes as rejection, and go looking for love and affection elsewhere due to lack of knowledge.

• On the other hand, a man who has been through two or three pregnancies with his wife would not worry. In fact he might joke with his friends about her pregnancy’s dislike for him because he knows that in about two or three months, life will go back to normal.

Let us not generalise infidelity during pregnancy

It would be very dangerous to cause the fear among women in general, that men will drift away and cheat on their women when pregnancy occurs.

What is fair is to point out that during certain pregnancies some women are ‘off’ their husbands, and also during certain pregnancies some men go ‘off’ their wives; it happens both ways! During such periods some men may become attracted to certain or other women, and end up being unfaithful.

The general case is that pregnancy does not have a bad effect on a relationship; on the contrary, one of the most wonderful times in the life of human beings, is during pregnancy. It is a period enjoyed by both men and women — as the fruit of their labour.

Could it be because of (lack of ) sex that a man may drift away during pregnancy?

The most interesting point is that upon getting pregnant, most female animals lose biological interest in the male. It is only in the case of humans that the female continues to be available for a sexual relationship, even when pregnant. This is because human beings are different from other animals.

Sexual matters involving humans are therefore not that simple. Sex is a physiological issue that is dependent on hormonal circumstances, which affect the desire to be intimate.

The real challenge is for each couple to establish and negotiate a sustainable relationship, not just during each pregnancy but during each month of pregnancy. This is because at the beginning of a pregnancy one or the other of the couple may be ‘off’. For example, excitement and fear may lead a woman to think that the husband might hurt the baby during intercourse.

Towards the end of the pregnancy the issues again become different, because there could be pain and discomfort. These are purely mechanical issues, which may present challenges about sex. Open discussions between the couple will cure any problems that might arise along the way.

A man who understands these dynamics will not be led astray, when his woman feels it is not right to engage sexually. He knows the reasons and will understand – and hopefully be patient with her.

Are men more predisposed to extramarital affairs by virtue of being male species?

That is a matter of discussion. There are experts who believe that this is the case, and others who believe that it is not. The people who believe that it is the case argue that all male animals are polygamous in nature, and that the core desire of the male – be it a dog, hyena or cat – is procreation; spreading the seed in the same fashion as pollination occurs in plants.

The other group argues that man is not like a cat or a dog, that needs to go pollinating all over. That man is actually an animal that is specially created by God with self-control and so on.

END: PG 06/17