Pregnant after rape — what do I do with the baby?

The ‘pregnancy after rape’ article discusses the different rape culprits. Once a rape victim is faced with the full reality of what has happened, everything will seem hostile and hopeless.

However, there is a ray of hope despite the ordeal, as discussed in “Raped — what next?” Some immediate steps that rape victims should take to restore their dignity were explained.

Now Grace Ojiambo of Crisis Pregnancy Ministries Kenya explores the difficult question: “What do I do with the baby?”

Is abortion the solution?

■ Pam Stentzel was born as a result of rape. Her mother was sexually assaulted, carried the baby to term and gave her up for adoption. Pam is now a famous speaker on Youth Sexuality in the USA and has even visited Kenya.

One of the worst things that could happen to any woman is to be raped and conceive. But as we said in the past issues, silence is the worst enemy. One must go to the hospital as soon as possible, at least within 72 hours after the assault, and then to the police.

When pregnancy results from rape, it can be very devastating to the victim. Not only does she have to deal with the rape but now pregnancy! What options does she have?

Why do many women automatically think of abortion as the only option

The baby is as a result of rape. Rape in itself is such a scary, traumatic violation of the woman’s body and dignity, like Jacinta and Njambi in our last issue, would rather keep it a secret. Jacinta’s mother (last issue) ordered her to ‘get rid of that thing and let me not hear anything about it’. She meant abortion. After all; this was rape. The woman did not choose to have this baby. On the contrary, she was brutally violated so how can she carry this baby to term? She may not even know the father and even if she does, she does not want anything to do with him so why carry ‘his’ baby to term?

Abortion supposedly deals with the main issues; nobody need know, the stress of carrying a baby for nine months is taken away and so is the eternal reminder that you were raped. It may even be legally right like in many western countries where abortion is legalized in general, and even here in Kenya where it is legally acceptable if advised by doctors that the mother’s physical and mental health is threatened. It also deals with the embarrassment. So abortion seems to be an easy way out.

Second, the woman may still be angry with her abuser and even angrier with the child growing inside her. She sees no reason why this baby should live and remind her of her trauma. She may also be angry with God for allowing her to be raped, become pregnant and may feel that God is responsible since He could have stopped it. Once again abortion may seem to be the best way out.

Third, the stress of carrying an unwanted pregnancy might be too much for her. Friends and relatives may not even believe that she was abused (as in the case of Jacinta) and therefore she carries the stigma of a pregnancy out of wedlock with all that goes with it. If she is married, it is even more complicated because now you have a husband and other children to think about. Will they support her to carry the baby to term? If carried to term, can they love the baby as their own? What of the embarrassment?

Fourth, in many countries, it is legal to have an abortion on demand. In other countries like Kenya it is legally allowed if it can be medically proven that the mother’s physical and mental health is at stake. Since it is legal, it may be seen as an acceptable way out.

Psychologically, sexual assault causes unimaginable trauma and when pregnancy occurs, the trauma is  intensified and can easily lead to many mental health issues such as depression and suicidal thoughts. They can also lead to self-destructive patterns like substance abuse.

Spiritually as we have seen, rape victims may be angry with God and feel separated from him because their perception of Him as a protector is distorted. ‘He let it happen so why should I care.” This thinking keeps off spirituality as a major source of heating.

Financial implications of a pregnancy and having a baby when not planned for are very heavy. Visits to the clinic, maternity fees and baby upkeep may be unimaginable. Because of all these, the option of abortion may seem the easiest option and many have taken this route.

The second option is to carry the baby to term and then put it up for adoption. At face value, this is the harder option as it does not deal with the issues mentioned above. One has to carry an unwanted baby for nine months, suffer the physical, spiritual and emotional trauma and then give it away! In spite of the difficulties, some have taken this option. Most of the women who take this option do so for ethical and spiritual reasons. Their key driver is the preservation of life.

For one, they may reason that whereas they were raped, the baby is innocent and so they do not have to subject it to the pain of an abortion.

Second, they may believe that God is the creator, so He created this baby and to destroy it would be a sin.

Third, they may feel this baby is a part of them and so they may not want to destroy it. And, they may want to give a motherless woman a child to bring up. Some of them may know of the effects of abortion and decide to carry this baby to term and give it away rather than have an abortion. For those who take this option, they do not have to live with a reminder all their lives. But they will have to live with the trauma of giving a baby away and wondering how the baby is fairing.

The last option is to carry and keep the baby. This is the least attractive of the three options. How does one keep a baby conceived by assault? How does she explain to the baby that he/she was the result of rape?

Why should she keep this baby to remind her about what happened? Can she really love such a baby?

 

The woman expecting a baby from rape faces these three options. Usually, the decision has to be made very quickly and at times without any counseling. Can it ever be right to keep a baby from rape or carry it to term and place it for adoption?

I want to suggest that it is possible and has happened in many cases. Why would a woman want to do this? One, because two mistakes do not make a right. The baby from rape is still a baby that was created by God in spite of the circumstances of conception and has a right to live as much as any other child.

Pam Stentzel was one such baby. Now she is a grown woman. Her mother took the bold step and carried her to term, then gave her up for adoption. Pam could have been killed at one week, one month, six months, or even nine, had her mother opted for an abortion. Pam would never have been raised and she would not be a notable and inspirational figure today, touching many troubled youth.

Secondly, the physical, psychological and emotional trauma from rape and abortion could be more damaging to the woman in the long run as it could ‘live with her’ longer than nine months.

Thirdly, destroying the baby in the womb and the pain the baby endures while it is being aborted does not lessen simply because this is a baby from rape.

Fourth, the risks of physical damage that could occur to the mother even, in the best of hospitals, should be considered too, as part of the decision-making process.

Lastly, given a chance, support and time, many women would want to keep the baby.

A centre was opened in South Africa where rape victims who get pregnant could drop the baby incognito once born, with details. The women had the option of leaving the baby there to be placed for adoption or of coming back within a year to reclaim the child. Eighty percent of the babies were picked by their mothers within a year.

Is it possible to carry a baby from rape to term? It is not easy but with God’s help, proper counseling and support from friends and relatives, it is possible to carry a baby from rape to term and either keep it or put it up for adoption.

If you are a rape victim who has a real life experience with carrying a rape baby to term or bringing up a rape baby, get in touch with us and share your story. We will keep it anonymous if you so wish. Write to ask@babylovenetwork.com

END: PG 03/20-21