I had to let go …

Esther begins her story with a deep frown that contrasts with her serene surroundings, including a sofa that is beautifully stuffed with teddy bears and stuffed dolls for her baby.

I was quite green when I met Mark. We went out for close to a year before I agreed on taking our relationship to another level. Then my whole world came tumbling down when I missed my periods. I ignored the tell-tale signs, thinking it was the weather playing tricks on me. Then I started getting picky with my meals. I could not stand some smells and all I wanted was githeri.

I gathered my confidence and informed Mark that I was pregnant. He just looked at me and walked away, leaving me in a daze. I did not know what I had done wrong. Why on earth would someone walk away on hearing such important news? What followed was a text from him saying he was expecting his girlfriend at the end of the year (which was in three months time) and that he was not ready to be a father!

I felt like drowning, crying and yelling. What on earth was he telling me? I thought I was the girlfriend. I consoled myself, thinking that he was just in shock, that he would come around. Maybe after the tests, he would grow more accustomed to the news? On the other hand, I knew I was in trouble, real deep trouble. None of my elder sisters had babies and here I was, the youngest in the family, with information that was totally appalling. How on earth would I tell my sister, who I was living with, that the person who got me pregnant was a neighbour; and worse still, that he did not want anything to do with me?

The thought of an abortion did cross my mind several times but I decided that it was important to get tested first hoping against hope that I was making up the pregnancy. When my pregnancy test’s appointment day came, morning sickness tied me to the bed. A friend who was supposed to take me for the tests gave up. And when I think back, I see the probability that I had convinced myself I was too sick to get out of bed.

My sister began getting suspicious.. I was tired, moody and sleepy most of the time. She had noted my repulsion to some foods. Mark had long disappeared. I was always greeted by a big padlock fastened on the door. I knew I had to talk to someone before I ran amok. I went to my aunt with only one thing in mind-abortion. I explained that I had nothing to offer the baby. The older woman looked at me with a sad smile and told me that was definitely not the way out. She told me I was probably four months pregnant if all I had told her was true, and that an abortion would be dangerous for me-and not fair to the baby. She asked me to talk to my sister, who I was staying with, while she talked to my eldest sibling-who was in a position to support me financially.

I walked slowly home summing up courage to tell my sister. That night I just sat in a daze, like a zombie. She caught me in that state and knew something was wrong. She asked what the matter was, I took that as a cue and poured out my heart, leaving no stone unturned. She looked at me with shock. Humiliation was written all over her face. She stood up and went to sleep. The following morning my eldest sister came in a foul mood. She told me to pack my bags. She was sending me to my mother. I felt dirty, disgraced and a loser. How could I ever face my parents?

To my surprise and assurance, all my mother asked me was whether I had done a pregnancy test. When I told that I had not, she took my bags inside and took me straight to the nearest hospital. Of course the results were positive. And so I started ante-natal clinic at five months pregnant. Mum and Dad wanted me to have the baby at home. I knew this would be tricky because it would be very hard for me to come back to Nairobi or take the child with me after birth. I refused. It was in January that I decided to come back to Nairobi.

When I reached Nairobi, the first person I called was Mark, only to discover he had changed his number. I went to his place and found the brother to whom I relayed my predicament, making him see why I needed to have a word with Mark. Realizing that I was not budging, Mark showed up. Seeing him triggered all my bottled frustrations of which I let him know of. He marched out to come back the following day, telling me that he had had enough and that, as far as he was concerned, he was not even sure if the baby was his. I cried praying that I could miscarry. How could I bring up a child alone? Why was Mark doing all this to me?

When he started bringing girls home, I thought I would die. For God’s sake, I was living just next door; and he did not have the courtesy to avoid hurting my feelings further. He would always be accompanied by a different girl, sometimes passing me as I washed my clothes, giving me a knowing smile. That was pure torment. The optimistic me prayed constantly that he would change. At least accept the baby. But things seemed to get from bad to worse. When I resolved that I could not take that madness any longer, I shut him out of my head and looked at my future as an individual. Then it was easier.

When my labour pains started, I was all alone. I started bleeding before the water broke and I knew something was terribly wrong. I remember calling my sister who was unavailable but my neighbour quickly saved the day and sought for transport. It was around 11 :30 pm when the cab came for me. I passed Mark on my way to the cab and the man did not even look at me twice.

My angel finally arrived at midnight. Baby Curtis gave me the strength to endure the pain. I can proudly say that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am also thankful that my pregnancy was smooth. My eldest sister finally forgave me and they all love Curtis as their own. Mark no longer exists in our lives. Giving birth to Curtis was a re-birth for me as a person. I am now a born-again Christian and ready to pick up my life. I know I am going to conquer.

END: PG 23 /24-25