Belly business…

The 5 o’clock alarm tore through the still morning, the shrill cutting through my ear drums with razor edge cruelty. I was jolted to wakefulness, and instinctively swiped a punch that stilled it. I peered my squinted eyes forlornly at the time and cursed silently.

I threw a quick glance at Panda under the blunt bedside lump light. Notably, she had been unperturbed by the smell commotion and breathed on in what appeared to be a peaceful slumber. I swung out of bed with a heavy head and blurry eyes. It was not an opportune time to be laden with the weights of the jumbo fraternity. I staggered on what felt like a ton of legs and my arms-the giant pendulum usually suspended inside a cathedral bell. Felt clumsy, somnambulating my way to the bathroom like an alligator on a newly tiled floor surface.

Now, nature has always been help in such sorry situations. In my absent-mindedness, alertness was cruelly shoved in when I banged my head on the edge of the wardrobe. I could have easily ignored the thud, but the hammering pain was not to be taken for granted. As the pain navigated through the nervous system (sound travels faster than pain) my uncooperative hands flew wildly like diwali fireworks to feel and nurse the sore spot, as the legs orchestrated a series of small jumps to compliment the occasion. The episode, however unfortunate, ushered in a bout of unrivaled synergy. That, combined with an inner dread for a recap, saw me about my business with the agility of a young mountain goat.

A few minutes later, I was kissing Panda goodbye as I braced for work. A sleepy grunt is all I got as a response. She was lucky to be reporting a week away and she was bent on maximizing it by sleeping as late as she could. Not that I did not envy her. I did, with all due honesty. I rubbished the temptation to join her in bed and fled for the garage before it could take root.

The seldom empty 6 o’clock traffic betrayed the shared sentiments of how lazy the holiday had transformed citizens to report early in the first day. Not that I was any different. The urgent departmental meeting’s minutes due that afternoon made the difference between where I was and the deep futons at home. But talking of little blessings.

I hated traffic jams. The dementing idea of being trapped in the car, breathing gasoline and rubber, surrounded by cursing motorists who leaned generously on their horns was annoying. A clear road was like a cupid date in a quiet orchard.

The expansive deserted asphalt parking lot resembled the beginning of a horror movie. My car was the first and i wasn’t expecting any soon, either. It was an unspoken oath at my work place that no one should ever come early on the first day. Not even the directors—a virtue that greatly encouraged the rest down the hierarchy.

I was greeted by a bout of stale air as I burst past the revolving glass doors. Apart from the lone cleaner, who limply held on a giant mop making lazy arcs of soap suds on the tiled floor, there was no sign of life in the expansive interiors. My greetings were answered by his whine about the morning cold and the bore, Ohhh1 He seemed determined to dish out his opinions for eternity had I not wisely scurried away and out of his sight.

As, I settled behind my desk, a  seizure sent me swinging open the awning windows. The fine dust that had settled with time was not adding any merriment to the already gloomy morning. A breeze of fresh air was in order though.

The late comers started trickling in at 10.00am, long after I was done with my minutes and was halfway through my mail 10.00 o’clock is the company’s official break time. They proceeded to cluster in small groups from which I could hear them catching up on lost time as they seeped coffee or bit on cereals. I could hear some ladies utter shocked expressions as their colleague friends pointed at their various ‘junctions’ that had accumulated flab during the festivities. I smiled, bemused.

The phone rang, suddenly cutting off my eavesdropping It was Mike. ‘Tell me my minutes are not ready and you will be a clerk intern before sunset.’ was his New Year greeting.
‘Hi Mike pal,’ I answered ignoring his lack of courtesy.
‘I am good. boy. Step in my office and fill me on stuff you been up to.’
’I’ll be right up.’ I said as I hung up.
I quickly made some print outs and hobbled out. greeting my colleagues all the way.

The mini gatherings had become more animated and there was much haranguing and gesticulating, none wanting to settle down. I burst into Mike’s office without knocking. When the boss is your friend, friendship comes first.

‘Don’t give me that rubbish’ Mike roared. ‘I want the minutes in an hour’s time. Now be gone!’

That was for Marylyn.
Mike was shuttering her to smithereens. She stood in front of him like a de-feathered chicken, her face ashen with emotions. She nodded quickly and practically fled from the office, high heels clattering in her wake.

‘Wow! That was one hell of a bashing!’ I said taking my seat.
‘These ladies in logistics are recalcitrant They seem to be impervious to instructions. Lord, how do we hold meetings without departmental minutes?’ he fumed as he shuffled through my minutes. ’There was a whole three weeks of holiday, and people have the guts to tell me to my face that they have nothing to show?’

His face then knotted in an angry frown. That was the least he could do to show his displeasure at having to start his new year in a verbal bout.

‘You know what kid?’ he suddenly whispered, leaning forward to look into my eyes.
‘Some junky is peddling fertility pills around this place and that is making my work very difficult.’

I laughed out loudly despite Mike’s predicament. That, however, did not absolve me from sympathising with the man, whose career had been transformed into a nightmare in the past year. First it was the logistics manager, who as we spoke, had just been relieved off her duties as she went for maternity leave. She was expecting twins, and her gestation period had seen Mike’s temperament always flaring like Gomorah Mike, whose definition of efficiency entailed assignments being done at twice their speed, was left feeling harassed during that period which he wishes to quickly forget. Peninah, who happened to have developed a lymphatic swelling of both hands and feet, became slow to type and supervise. It became clear as day, for all who saw her, that three times the normal be allowed for her to complete anything. I saw how her petite figure swelled to rival a mammoth in a span of a few months.  Half the morning, she was bent over the backyard garden, retching her guts out (her mornings had to start mostly at 10am for humanity’s sake). After the horrendous episode, she would then helplessly doze off in a helpless slumber of fatigue.

And the time he spent repeating himself hoarse to a subordinate who could not help herself, did not add cheer to the atmosphere. The few times Mike had exploded with anger and scoffed at her had been regrettable Penny, who was soft at heart, quickly crumbled under the rebuffs like a cookie pie, into a flood of hysterical sobbing And that for sure, had garnered enough sympathy pouring out from the rest of the staff, and Mike was to bask for a week under the loathsome glares from irked colleagues. It was even more challenging, when one day after a mid-meeting bout of vomiting, Penny had told him privately and politely that his favorite cologne was wholly responsible for the nausea.

I knew Mike had numerously considered delegating Penny to a more inconsequential department that had minor roles in it. But Penny was one of the founding members of the company’s logistics department. And her knowledge about the on goings in the department and in its Diaspora was unparalleled. The CEO trusted her with totally. Vital information the company never wanted to share with other staff members in a hurry had been bestowed to her. Such, rendered her un-put-down-able. Training her replacement (Marylyn and a young acne faced colleague named Phil), was taking a bit too long.

And the unfortunate news filtering in about Penny’s replacement, Marylyn, being three months pregnant, was another tragedy. It was like outrunning a pack of snarling wild cats only to bump into a caravan of bloody thugs Now. her failure to hand over the first minutes only hinted a spec of the tragedy to come. I could see Mike shudder at the thought.

‘I an a husband, a father and a human being. I am inclined to sympathize with the doings of biology such as this. Yet this time, something inside me insists that I have heard enough of the nine months. This time, I will surely crack and all of you will hate me,’ Mike said temperately. His voice no longer portrayed a man I had so much as believed had an iron constitution.

‘Come on Mike, not all pregnant women get overwhelmed like Penny. Most, actually handle it very well Look at Panda for instance.’ I tried using my little experience with my wife to cheer him up.

‘No I won’t!* he barked, shaking his head. *1 am unable to adapt Pregnant women drive me to the ceiling.’

I sighed hopelessly. Mike was a broken man. And inconsolable at that.

‘Yes, I agree with you. At first it may seem impossible to cope. I had my own experience with Panda. But believe me when I tell you that after I took time to understand her, I now look forward to being with her and our unborn. You have to be ready to learn and understand them at least for a while,’ I managed to add.

There was a long pause and I could see my friend meditating pensively I was hopeful that maybe my last snatch had some effect in mellowing his negative stand. From afar, I sensed a glimmer sparkle in his eyes that grew brighter with time.

‘Thanks pal That is deep,’he said finally, much to my heart’s content.
‘I was sure not going to handle this problem until now. Wise friends like you make me see things from a different light.’

‘No sweat bro. We are in this together, you know. ‘

‘True, true,’ was Mike’s swift response. ‘And now that we are in this together, there might be a way you may be of profound help to the company.’

That statement was laden with much more meaning and I was to find out later with lots of regrets.

‘So you mean Marylyn is your new secretary again?’ Panda asked later that, evening. Not knowing whether to frown or laugh.

‘Yes dear. And thanks to my experience with you.’

‘And are you sure you can handle two expectant ladies?’

‘Mike thinks I can Just wish me luck,’ I replied, not really wanting to talk more about it.

I crumbled the sheet of paper with the e-mail Mike had sent me and aimed at the dustbin next to the kitchen door. Mike had navigated away from a particularly tricky terrain to another department, dumping the buck on me. I was a bit mad at him, but more angry at myself for volunteering to dish out clues to him.

I thought about Panda who was busy doing dishes after dinner I was grateful that so far, it had been good for her at the work place. She had no Mike to worry about, or to make her feel like her pregnancy was a big mistake. It saved me a lot of peace as well. Otherwise. I pay her boss a visit with a rudimentary weapon tucked inside my tweed.

END: PG38/42-45