Broke Mums
How To Handle Cash-Angry Dads
‘I am tired of begging for money from my husband!’ Sounds familiar? This is one of the greatest headaches a stay-at-home- mum faces. What starts during courtship as a sweet honeymoon of monetary showers degenerates into a marriage of co-existence where an unemployed woman might end up swimming through financial slime, abuse and frustration. In many families today, mothers urge their daughters to get educated so ‘you will not have to rely on a man.’
But where exactly do women take all the money they extract out of a husband every morning? Not far, it goes first and foremost to the husband’s meal, because she dare not let him find none when he’s back from a hard day’s work. Secondly, to their children for meals, fare to school, clothes, pocket money, etc. Thirdly, towards household utilities. In some cases she will pay the rent. Occasionally she will buy herself a dress or a pair of shoes if there is some cash to spare.
Very well analysed, a man would say. How about all that make-up and stylish ‘on season’ garments and ornaments? Plus unplanned spending that happened without any consultation with the ‘boss’? Just what goes on in a man’s mind when his wife stops him at the door on his way to work with, ‘The baby has no food today’?
Poor timing: One reason why a husband disagrees with baby and household budgets is the timing. Many women wait until the husband is all dressed up in the morning, had breakfast and on the way out before they unleash their now-or-never budget. Sometimes the man is to blame because he probably arrived late in the night or is a ‘virtual husband’-the ever working, ever travelling, ever-with-the-boys, ambitious, career professional or businessman.
What to do: Separate budgeting and cash flow. Do not give your husband a budget with one hand and a cash demand with the other. The man feels ambushed, hence the rebellious reaction. Also plan ahead so you do not have to make all cash requests on an emergency basis. Anyone, including yourself, would get irritated by financial hassling.
Unilateral budgeting: The more of a loner you are in making up the, household budget, the less your husband will understand its meaning, let alone its importance.
What to do: You need to budget together. If your husband does not co-operate you must be firm about the importance of looking at the family finances together. If this proves difficult you may seek the intervention of a respected family friend or seek professional help. In doing so however you must take care that your spouse does not see it as an affront-he might confront you: “You want people to tell me how to spend my money?” Baby, baby, baby! Many men believe they are the number one priority in your life. If all you talk about is ‘baby this, baby that’ and you forget your man is waiting, then you can expect a rude shock when you want his attention, let alone ‘his’ money!
What to do: Spend some of your energy talking to your husband about his day, his successes and failures. Occasionally engage him in men’s pep subjects-houses, cars and jobs. Let him talk about himself; men like that, it raises their ego. It’s more like transacting with him, only this time the commodity is his own ego. Men like to trade. You may be pleasantly surprised when he asks you whether you need ‘anything’; in such cases he means ‘everything’!
Loss of control: Some women scold their husbands like they do their children. Not surprising, since as most women say, the man of the house is also her first-born son. What do you do when your first-born misbehaves? How? Wrong! You do not shout at him and rub in the fact that he broke the glass-not this ‘first-born.’ A man scorned is like a wounded lion.
What to do: Control your temperament even when things go wrong. Every human being makes mistakes. Make him take responsibility for his errors by bringing them up directly but gently or in some cases indirectly. Men get the message very quickly, even though they may not admit it directly. That way, friends will be forever.
END: PG4 DEC 06-JAN 07/40