I want a baby boy okay?!

By Emma Odaba

I was on a mission in Kakamega en-route from Kisumu to gauge how readers were receiving Pregnant. I was in upbeat mode after my travel through Nakuru, Eldoret and Kisumu indicated that the magazine was doing very well and was poised to change the landscape for pregnant women in East Africa.

The bus conductor sat next to me and seeing the copy of Pregnant I was holding he borrowed it and shortly after browsing through it he said it was a very good magazine.

He went round collecting fare and came back to where I was seating. ‘Who writes this magazine?’ he asked, suggesting he had been thinking hard about its contents. ‘There is one thing I would like you guys to do for me — write on how one can choose the sex of the baby. My wife gave birth to two girls and I am not pleased at all. I wanted to name both my parents, but now I have only named my mum. How could she do this to me?’

He went on, ‘You see. we had planned to have only two kids, but now that we have two girls we still have to give birth again.’

I tried to discuss the issue with him. telling him it was him. not his wife, who determined whether it would be a boy or girl. He did not understand this. ‘She is the one who gives birth, not me. so how can I be blamed for it?’ he wondered. He would not be convinced and so he won the debate by so many words. I promised him that Pregnant would explain this to him in this issue.

Thinking this issue over I realized it is not just a local problem. In countries like India it is considered a major setback to bear a girl. Among the key reasons is that dowry is paid for a boy whereas girls have to pay dowry to get married. Couples have been reported to undertake an abortion as soon as they learn they are expecting a girl. So serious is the matter that it is illegal for a pregnant woman to undergo an ultrasound scan in India. This is because an ultrasound scan can be used to determine the sex of the baby and therefore discriminate against girl fetuses.

While some couples would pay money to make a boy, Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Okati have been yearning for a girl.

Twice we reserved the name of a girl, Shanell, and both times we surprised ourselves! Now I am the proud father of two boys,’ says Stanley Okati. His wife confirms the prayer for a girl. ‘My husband would really love to have a baby girl! I too would have wanted to have a girl and really prayed for one but I also told God whichever sex He deems fit for us would be okay as long as it was a healthy, normal baby.’

‘I was honestly expecting and looking forward to a baby girl because my second pregnancy was so different from the first one. People told me if the pregnancy felt very different from the previous, then the baby’s sex is also different. This pregnancy was more difficult than the first and I thought to myself it must be a girl. I thought ‘girls are stubborn!’ I had so much heartburn and friends told me that the baby has a lot of hair and therefore it must be a girl. I also was looking cuter than during my first pregnancy; it definitely was a girl, I was convinced.’

When she gave birth in July 2006. Christine got a baby boy. ‘A very handsome boy.’ she asserts proudly.

I went for my first ultrasound scan because I was bleeding. By then the baby was still small as I was just over two months pregnant. The sex of the baby could therefore not be determined. When we went for the second ultrasound scan we wanted to know if the baby had turned. My husband and I discussed and agreed before hand that we would not seek to know the sex of the baby but should instead let it come as a surprise. After the ultrasound scan, my husband asked the medical personnel who performed the procedure whether the baby was a boy or a girl. I looked at him and told him ‘Mr.! We agreed that the baby’s sex is not an issue, right?’ He relaxed and dropped that subject.’

‘During the sixth month’ narrates Stanley, we agreed to comprehensively shop for the baby. We bought virtually everything a new baby might use and we were ready for our baby girl. As we approached the end of the seventh month, my wife became very tired and was experiencing a lot of sleepless nights and fatigue. I would occasionally massage her tummy and feet which were swelling a lot. I also helped with some of the laundry.’

Weeks later, we visited the hospital for another ultrasound scan. This time I made sure my wife agreed in advance we would find out the baby’s sex.’

‘Stanley was extremely anxious and could not wait for the news,’ says Christine. ‘Once the scan was in progress he told the doctor we would like to know the baby’s sex. The doctor however was hesitant and warned us that he had seen couples break up their relationship during an ultrasound scan because of disagreement about the sex of the baby, especially where the father wanted a baby boy. He tactfully kept quiet about it.’

However, Stanley had better ideas. ‘Immediately after the scan I pulled the doctor aside and told him anxiety would kill me unless he told me the sex of the baby. He whispered it to me. I could not believe what he was telling me. When I discovered it was not what we were expecting, I decided to keep quiet about it and did not tell my wife a thing! I hoped the doctor was wrong and it would end up being a baby girl — after all I had heard of couples who got it wrong with the ultrasound scan.’

‘We started preparing for the baby’s birth and identified a maternity hospital where my wife would eventually deliver.’

Though Stanley was surprised to father another baby boy, he had on both occasions taken no measures to increase the chances of conceiving a girl.

Twice we reserved the name of a girl… and both times we surprised ourselves.!

We got our first child six years ago,’ he reveals. The first pregnancy happened while my wife and I were still arguing about ‘safe days.’ She Insisted that safe days do work, while I disagreed and cautioned her to get on to proper contraceptives. It was quite interesting because l was worried about getting her pregnant while she challenged me to stick by her feminine instinct. I complied.’

‘A couple of months later I remember her suddenly getting very uncooperative and not wanting to see me or even come close to me. It became so bad that we quarrelled almost on a daily basis and when she could not take it any more she took off to a secret destination. I tried tracing her through her friends and even looked for her upcountry but all in vain. For three months I did not know where my wife was.’

Christine laughs about this incident as she goes down memory lane. ‘We met in 1995. I was in college and living in my brother’s house in Tena estate in Nairobi’s Eastlands. One day I knocked on the door of a neighbour who lived in one of the flats in the same block as me. My neighbour was not in but I found a bunch of guys enjoying themselves. One of them welcomed me with humour, ‘Welcome to this house of bachelors!’ I was a bit scared and I took off, not knowing I was running away from my future husband! He was a cousin to my neighbour and soon he would win my heart.’

‘In November 1998 we celebrated a traditional marriage and dowry changed hands. I decided to plan my family using the famous ‘safe days.’ It never worked for me and interestingly I did not realise I was pregnant until three months had elapsed. The first month I missed my period but I had all the early signs of an impending period. Though the period did not quite happen I did not think much of it because I had heard that one can miss a period or two due to factors like weather. However when I missed my period for the third consecutive time I got scared. I packed my clothes and took off to my mum’s place. My mum, a trained nurse, got the hang of it very fast, even though I never mentioned pregnancy to her. She started advising me on diet and I did not quite understand why until I confirmed my pregnancy at three and a half months.’

When she finally re-surfaced after three months,’ says Stanley, ‘I was very surprised to see her pregnant at my office with her cousin Jackie. I actually asked her whose baby it was! I wish to share this with other men — that when my wife became uncooperative and irritable I got stubborn and difficult too, because I did not think about pregnancy. In hindsight all the signs of a changing woman were there and it should have crossed my mind. Especially with our ‘safe days’ family planning regime! Today I can confess that pregnancy comes with a handful of challenges especially to the man, whose main role is moral support. A lot of understanding is necessary on his part and tolerance is a must, especially on the question of the baby’s sex. Once a man understands he is the sole determinant of a baby’s sex, he will not blame his wife for this or the other sex.’

‘Today 12 August, the new baby is exactly one month old,’ concludes Stanley. When my wife delivered our second baby in July we did not have a name for the boy. We were still holding on to baby girl name, Shanell. So I asked my wife what if we named him Blessing which she agreed to. Later we changed it to the Kiswahili interpretation, Baraka since we thought Blessing sounded more feminine. When his naming was finally complete he was Deelan Baraka Oduor.

END: PG 03/8-9

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