Romance After Delivery

How A Woman Can Break The Ice
Improving A New Mum’s Libido
How To Get Back Your Old Self

In the last edition of Pregnant we featured reasons why sex after pregnancy may be difficult. In this edition we explore ways in which a couple, especially the new mum, can get back the groove.

IT  is common to hear women talk of diminished sex after birth. One new mum recently gave a clear-cut example. ‘Six weeks after I delivered, my doctor told me it was okay if I resumed sex. Three months down the line. I find it so displeasing that I am sure the enjoyment in it is lost. I cannot get myself to love sex again, even though my husband has been trying hard to get me aroused. Matters are not good as I am at a point where I have completely lost it.’

Another woman joked that her sex drive had joined the dinosaurs, before stating somberly. ‘The birth of my son brought about the death of my intimate life.’ Before then, I enjoyed every sexual advance from my partner and actively participated. Now. even though my son is two months old’, I shun it at all costs. I cannot understand why my libido is low thus cannot offer a good excuse to my husband. I have just snuffed out.’

After birth, sex may bring up tension or fumbling between couples. It can be harsh awakening for a man with high expectations for sex and attention following the birth of their baby. He might not understand why he is being ‘denied’ his conjugal rights or why his wife now prefers to kiss the baby while giving him just a peck or cursory glance. Some men may even suspect unfaithfulness on the part of the wife to justify her new behaviour.

Majority of women who have spoken or written to Pregnant about sex after delivery indicate that there have been changes in their intimate life after the baby’s birth. Unfortunately, most of them also confirm that the impact has been negative. Some have been able to recover from the downturn and regained their pre-pregnancy steam. Most, though, say they are getting somewhere, but not there just yet. A few are still struggling, even after three months post-delivery. It is uncommon for one not to have resumed their sex life by month three, and definitely unusual to be trying six months after the baby is born.

The big fuss about getting back your ‘old’ self
Women are extremely conscious of their bodies and looks. Consequently, there is a lot of fuss among new mums in their quest to regain their ‘lost glory’—a smooth, firm body and curly shape.

It would be interesting, however, to pose this question to yourself and consider your own answer: ‘If given a choice, what would you want given back to you first—your pre-pregnancy body and shape, or your pre-pregnancy sex life?’

Now pose the same question to your man: ‘Would you rather have your wife get back her pre-pregnancy shape now, or her sexy self?’

There is little fear of contradiction in stating that while a woman is fretting about her lackluster body and doing everything in her power to ‘get back that shape’, her husband watches, often bemused, and sometimes reminds her that, ‘you are still my beauty.* In short, he is asking you, can you prioritise matters, please: where is your sexy self?* For a husband, ‘sexy’ stops being the buzz word if you have the best looks but cannot connect with him at that intimate moment.

That is not to say that taking care of your body does not count: eating well and doing postnatal exercises that can help a new mum regain her self esteem incase she feels disfigured. It will also help firm up and tone vaginal muscles. Exercises make one feel energetic as well as increase blood circulation to the genital organs. However, take care not to fatigue yourself.

How a Woman can Break The Ice
Traditionally, men have taken the first stride towards a sexual encounter. However, a couple who live together must be free of a stereotype relationship. Either of them can make that first move and both must talk freely about what they want, what they are not getting and what they would like to do about it. Both must also give each other the opportunity to try new ideas. Crossfire is not a bad idea either!

Many couples would rather resume their sexual intimacy earlier than later. Considering that the man does not face the same physical and emotional challenges as the woman, it is important for a woman to realize that his needs and desires are on hold, unlike hers, which may be on the low. Besides preventing the undesirable temptation a man may get to ‘look elsewhere’. It is in the interest of a couple’s relationship to work together to re discover the path of sexual satisfaction.

Overcoming the disconnect
Dreams vs reality
You need to tell your man exactly as it is. He can help you wash the dishes, clean the house or make dinner: that is all good neighbourliness! What he needs to understand is that although women love to be pampered with flowers and romantic excursions, there is only one set of ‘dos‘ on the menu to get her wanting to make love. That is touch, touch and touch again! She wants to be caressed, kissed, hugged, and stroked! Secondly, he needs to know that it is not a motor rally—speed is not welcome!

Wanting sex at different times
Most couples make love in the dead of the night, specifically when all kids nod off into dreamland. Incidentally, this is the time the body is fighting to be rested and the mind demanding to unwind.

It is advisable to be opportunistic—grabbing every available opportunity to cuddle. Try early mornings too. when the mind and body are fresh. An orgasm at dawn can kick in some gusto into your day and bring a daylong smile on your face! For couples who can manage some time off duty, an afternoon experiment, as the baby digests her lunch in a nap, can do the trick.

Let your hubby know you are in the mood. It does not matter what time of day it is—just call him! You may be pleasantly surprised to find he can be available when you least expect it. However, also prepare yourself to understand, especially if he cannot get away from duty.

Exhausted while the other one is fresh and busy while partner is idle
Get a househelp or a day care assistant. New mums who have a hectic day—especially those who have no househelp—look forward to the arrival of their spouse from work so they can take a break. It is a joyous moment for her when he arrives and picks up the wailing baby: now she can run around and do the remaining few things the baby was preventing her from accomplishing. If he is cooperative enough, he will get so busy that by the time dinner is done, all he can do is join her as they both snooze and stretch tired limbs.

If household chores are overwhelming you, get a househelp or a day care assistant. If you cannot afford either, ask a relative to come help you out temporarily.

Not agreeing on where baby should sleep
It is common practice for couples to have the newborn sleep in their bedroom, and sometimes in their bed. A couple must do what a couple should do. so do not feel shy about making love just because the baby is in the room! Most parents just ‘hope’ the little one will behave as they get on with their conjugal obligations. A good move to break the ice, if you fear the gaze of the baby, is to lay her in her cot and hang a sheet or blanket on the side of the cot. Do not worry about the noises you may make, as the infant will not comprehend that language!

Improving a new Mum’s Libido
Libido is a state of sexual excitement. It is aroused by cognitive factors, such as psychological states, sensory stimulation and fantasy. Failure to make love does not necessarily mean that mental desire is low. or they lack libido or even the mood. Sometimes the new mum just cannot find the time, or may be too exhausted to sustainably be engaged in a session.

When breast feeding, there are competing interests taking place. This may create conflict, which may affect ones libido especially if it disturbs relationships. It is all in the state of the mind. However, for a well-balanced person with good adjustment, libido should not be affected. For those who use effective lactation as a form of contraception, lactation may even increase libido.

When you have difficulties with libido, going to bed to try making love should not be the top-most agenda. Watch a home movie together, engage in some heart-to-heart tete a tete amoureux. Other strategies to relax and eventually get aroused include reading a love story or taking a bath or shower together. You can also spend some time going through some of your treasured old love missives and lovey-dovey cards and new baby messages from friends and family.

Rigidity about one’s position
Spice up your act by moving away from routine. Change the hour, place, and position. Engage in positions that give you more control over pressure, speed and depth of penetration. There is nothing wrong with going the Kama Sutra* way, with more side-by-side and more woman-on-top. In addition, try the following:

o Do not force yourself to it. Try to pleasure each other differently.
o Use a lubricant if you are constantly feeling dry. Consult your doctor for a prescription,
o Insist on more foreplay and direct your partner on where you want to be touched.
o Empty your bladder and bowels before getting intimate.
o Take a warm bath to help you relax before making love.
o If it hurts, request him to stop it. If it feels good let him know before he takes another route.
o Build a positive attitude. If you or tie makes a mistake, forgive quickly and get on with normal life.

Avoid topics that do not help the situation. Libido has a lot to do with the state of the mind. If you discuss rotten oranges, you should not expect the taste of apples!

Expand your perspective of ‘sex’ beyond ‘intercourse’ to include touch, speech, and companionship. Remember that oral sex is, however, not advisable, and specifically do not allow any blowing of air into your vagina, as that may result into fatal air embolism.

Do not overburden yourself with too high expectations: you may not necessarily get an orgasm on the first attempt. You probably may not for several weeks, or months. Do not panic!

Seeing a sex therapist
It is possible that way over half the number of couples have a problematic sex life at one point or other. If you are unable to engage in sex within six months of delivery, seek the help of a sex therapist. You need to be assessed for sexual dysfunction, which include desire disorders—lack of interest, constant distraction or significantly reduced libido; arousal disorders— lack of response to sexual advances; orgasmic disorders— inability to achieve an orgasm irrespective of the effort or duration or painful orgasm; and sexual pain disorders—pain during or after sex.

*Kama Sutra, an ancient Indian text widely acknowledged as a standard work on love, intimacy and sex positions for the ultimate experience.

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