PREPARE your kids for a new baby

‘DAD why is Mummy’s stomach so big?’ is one question you cannot avoid if you have a child and a new baby is on the way. You must have an answer, and it had better be ‘real’ because if it sounds unconvincing the little one will prod you on until you concede, ‘Sweetie, it’s your sister in there!’

Grooming older children to receive a newborn can be as exciting as it can be frustrating. A new baby may not always bring joy to the house, especially to children who will have to share attention with the newborn. It is your responsibility and that of your partner to ensure that your child (or children) is well prepared to receive a new sibling.

It may not strike you as a big issue and sometimes parents may not realize the significance of this intrusion into your child’s ‘power base.’ If you ignore this task your kid may view the birth of a new baby as a coup and the spirit of an ousted king can only be war. You therefore need to make the new baby’s arrival appear as ‘democratic’ as possible!

Here are some tips on how you can endear your newborn to the rest of your children.

During Pregnancy

Early revelation: The earlier your children realize that mom and dad will soon have another baby, the more accustomed they will be to the idea, and the more expectant for the arrival of the baby. There are many instances where mom and dad suddenly arrive home with a baby, much to the bewilderment of the older children, especially the last born. Do not assume that because mummy’s tummy is big, they ‘know’ there is a baby inside. From early days, talk about ‘our baby’ not ‘my baby’ or mummy’s baby.’ Letting your child claim some ownership of the expected baby will instill some sense of love and care for the baby.

Excite your children by deliberately allowing them to touch your pregnant tummy to feel ’our toto’ playing. If your kid is big enough to appreciate images that are not outright pictures, you may share your unborn baby’s ultrasound scan.

Find a simple way of answering or changing the topic without seeming aloof

Answer your child’s questions and concerns about the baby however stupid they sound. Remember kids will keep prying and if they feel there is an element of secrecy about the baby, this may be misconstrued as conspiracy in which the baby is a key player. Even when the questions are difficult, for instance ‘how’ the baby will come out or ‘how’ the baby got into the stomach, you can always find a simple way of answering or changing the topic without seeming aloof. Bear in mind that whatever answer you give, your child will most likely trust you and may never ask you that same question but may tell others what you said!

Spend quality time with your child. It is easy to drift away especially because you will be tired most of the time and need to relax. You must deliberately bring your child into your world and share joyful moments together.

Kevin (now 7 years old) and his sister Cindy, 15 months younger. Good preparation for his sister’s arrival has led to the two to relate virtually like twins and to develop a strong friendship. Neither of the two can accept favours without minding the other.

In her own words…

‘One of the big challenges is my two-year-old son, Sasha Kimtai Kipchirchir. He is at the height of his demand for attention. Prior to this pregnancy he was daddy’s boy, but has now experienced a 100% personality change and prefers to sit as close as possible to me all the time. Sometimes he climbs onto my lap to fight for room with the bump he sees to be mummy’s big stomach. Having recently learned to speak the word ‘mummy’, then ‘muuuum!, his voice resonates through the house at least 50 times a day, demanding my attention. Though he does not display complete comprehension about the coming baby, we have moved on from punching the belly to a gentle pat when saying good night to ‘toto’.

My saving grace is the love I see he has for other little children, wanting to carry them and to push their prams. I’m currently avoiding all those prophets of doom who say this love does not apply when the ‘toto’ finally shows up.

Daddy’s Crucial Role in Grooming

Daddy can play a very critical role in ensuring that the elder child remain and feel ‘important,’ Bonding with your child should not stop because you are pregnant again.

Talk about babies, baby life and what your child was like as a ‘small, small, baby.’ This creates a lot of curiosity and a feeling that your child is ‘much, much bigger…’ (but do not say this!). If you have photos of yourself when you were pregnant with your child, show them off. Discuss photos that also show your child as a baby. This is what ., our baby will look like, beautiful as you…’

Involve your child in preparing for the new baby, for example when daddy is arranging or decorating the baby’s room. A lot of mess will sometimes result, but it is part of good parenting and you should not get edgy about it.

After delivery

Explain why the new baby may need to use some of your child’s personal effects. During the height of joyous moments, cunningly ask for your child’s permission to share with the new baby old clothes and those that do not fit. It is common for mothers to go to a child’s wardrobe and to pick out, unilaterally, clothing and bedding thought suitable for the new baby. You may think your child is too young to notice, but you will get a rude shock when the irritation is finally out. Some parents think the child is being selfish but try putting yourself in the same position and you will realize it is not a question of individualism but anger at being taken for granted.

If your kid seems disinterested in the new baby, do not create a scene. Affection for the baby will evolve with time. Provided you regularly and carefully mention the baby and follow good communication techniques, your child will come round. However, do not wake, live and sleep ‘baby.’ This could trigger resentment.

END: PG 2/22-23