I regret my decision – Grief after an abortion

A true story as narrated to Emma Odaba by Rahab* (*not her real name) 22-year-old Rahab had an abortion because she wanted to maintain her ‘dignity’; she did not want people to see her pregnant out of wedlock. However, two years later she regrets it, saying that having the abortion was the worst mistake she has ever made.

I am the last-born and the only girl in a family of three children- I am daddy’s girl. Despite my conviction that sex before marriage was one of the greatest sins one can commit, and even though I avoided having a boyfriend as I grew up, I got pregnant out of wedlock. Then I had an abortion.

When I met Julius three years ago, I wanted a serious relationship that would lead to marriage. He was the best thing that happened to me. He won my heart and became my first love. He was well educated and worked in an office nearby. I had just completed a one-year course in college and was undertaking a six-month internship.

We had dated for around one year when he started demanding that we get intimate. This was the last thing I had expected from him, as I viewed him differently from other sex-hungry men. When I sought my girlfriends’ advice, they only got me confused. They revealed that they were already intimate with their boyfriends and urged me on, cautioning me that Julius may dump me for a more willing girl.

One day I went to visit Julius at his house and I could tell something was not right. He was not in his usual high spirits. When I inquired, he told me that he did not like the direction our relationship was taking. He said we should end it. I felt like I had been stabbed through the heart. He said he could not understand why if we loved each other as we professed we were not taking it to another level by doing ‘what other couples do’.

My mind was running in circles. God, what do I do? I did not want to lose Julius but I also valued my virginity; I wanted it to be my gift to my husband on our wedding night. I was under pressure, more confused and fearful of losing Julius. I cannot explain how it happened, but I eventually found myself conceding to his wishes. At that time I was quite naive. I did not consider that I might contract a disease or even get pregnant. I did not even know about safe days.

During the next month, in February, my period did not appear. Again, in March, nothing happened. This was quite unusual because I had never missed my period before. I told Julius when I missed the first period but he just brushed my anxiety aside saying it would come. That same month I started feeling sickly; I vomited in the mornings. My mother got worried and said she suspected I had malaria. She bought me some medicine but the nausea and
vomiting persisted.

With a cold feeling in my gut, I decided to have a pregnancy test. To my horror and dismay, it confirmed that I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe this was happening. How could I be pregnant? I did not want to imagine what people would think of me. I sobbed as Julius just stood there looking at me. The woman who had given me the results thought that I was crying because I was happy and she congratulated me.

Julius did not speak until we reached his house, then he asked me what I wanted. ‘What did I want?’ How dare he ask me that! I was mad at him for impregnating me. I wanted him to undo what he had done! All this was his fault and nothing he said made me feel better.

I did not want to go back home. My mind kept playing tricks on me. I started imagining that the whole world knew I was pregnant. What would my mother say? What about my father who had always endeavoured to make me happy; he had never denied me anything I wanted. What would he think of me now?

‘How will our friends and relatives take it when they find out that I am pregnant?’ My thoughts whirled around in my head. ‘What about the church members? And the youth group which I belonged to?’ All these questions tormented me. I couldn’t imagine facing up to these people and seeing their shock, their disbelief, and probably scorn.

I do not know where the strength came from but I told Julius that he should help me terminate this pregnancy. I even told him that if he truly loved me, he would give me money for the procedure. He, too, seemed surprised by the turn of events but he said he would look for the cash.

I went to a hospital where no one knew me, and inquired about abortion. The nurses I talked to were quite friendly. One of them told me that a one-month pregnancy was a small thing and that the ‘procedure’ would only take an hour and nobody would ever tell I had had an abortion. It would cost Kshs. 6,000. Raising that kind of money was a hard task for Julius and by the time he succeeded it was April. I could not believe that the pregnancy had advanced so much; I was 14 weeks pregnant!

I visited the same hospital the day after Julius gave me the cash. The doctor advised me to return very early the following day for the procedure to be undertaken. I did not sleep that night; I tossed and turned. Now that the day of reckoning had come, my fears began building up. My conscience warned me against the abortion while my mind was set on having it. I started debating with myself on the pros and cons. I was glad when it was finally morning.

As I had already completed my internship, I could not leave the house too early, lest my mother become suspicious. At seven 0′ clock I was ready. I told mum that someone had promised me a job and I was attending an interview at eight o’clock. She gave me her blessings, telling me that all would be well. I almost changed my mind at that point. I got a sudden panic attack, thinking that this might be the last time I was seeing her and my family members. I silently prayed to God to give them strength in the event that things turned tragic for me, and then I left.

At the hospital I was relieved to learn I was not the only one there who had turned up for an abortion. There were ten of us! Two were elderly-looking women while the rest of us were young women. At 10.00 a.m., we were called into the ward and asked to change into hospital gowns. My heart was beating so fast I felt like those nearby could hear it. The other young women were making friends with each other but I was not interested. I was too scared of what I was about to face.

A stone-faced nurse ushered us into the procedure room. My turn came. Once inside, the nurse told me to ‘assume the same position you took when getting pregnant.’ I felt humiliated. She inserted some drugs into my vagina. It was such an uncomfortable feeling for me that I almost got up and left. After the drug had been inserted, something within me told me to go back home and carry the pregnancy to term. I did not want to have an abortion anymore and I asked for the nurse. One of the other patients told me that it was too late as the drug was already taking effect and breaking up the foetus. She asked me whether this was my first time! She was used to it, ‘It’s my third time: she revealed. We made friends and she reassured me, telling me that it was not painful. The drug would take about three to four hours to complete its work, after which a procedure to ‘clean’ my uterus would be done.

There was no turning back; now the process would have to be completed. I asked God to forgive me and to spare my life. I promised him that if I survived the abortion, I would end my relationship with Julius and serve Him for the rest of my life.

At 3.00 p.m., we were taken into theatre one by one. I could hear people screaming and howling. It was most distressing knowing the same fate awaited me. ‘I kept praying all the while, asking God to forgive me. My turn came at 3.45 p.m. There was a pot of water boiling and a big bed with some strings hanging which I later learnt are known as stirrups. I was asked to put my legs apart and lift them up. Each of them was hung-up using the stirrups. I covered my eyes with my hands so I would not see what was happening. I felt something being inserted into my vagina. It felt cold and metallic; I guessed it was the gadget I had seen being sterilised in boiling water. It was the most painful experience I had ever gone through. I could feel the inside of my womb being scraped and the pain was unbearable. I had been warned not to move as my womb might get damaged. I cried and called to
God for what seemed an eternity.

When I left theatre, I was surprised to discover that the procedure had only taken five minutes; those were the longest five minutes of my life! I was told to rest on a bed for a while and another nurse came and gave me some drugs, which she said were to help ease the pain and prevent infection. I got back home at around 4.30 p.m. Even though I was in pain and bleeding a lot, I tried to act normally as if everything was fine. I went to bed early. The following day I felt better and I knew no one could tell I had had an abortion.

Interestingly, my breasts started leaking! No one had told me such a thing would happen. The milk stained my clothes and I was forced to wear heavy jackets to prevent my parents and other people from noticing.

For a long time after the abortion I had nightmares about the whole incident. I cried when I was alone and sometimes became very moody. I knew that I needed counselling because the guilt was killing me. Whenever I saw a woman carrying a baby I would turn my head away to avoid looking at her. A voice in me would call me a murderer and tell me that I killed my first child. As such as I tried all I could to forget about it, was impossible.

I still wish I had carried my baby to full term. I know the worst thing you can do in life is to be consumed by regret because you cannot change the past.

My sincere advice from the heart-and from my own personal, painful experience-is to tell girls not to abort, however bad the circumstances. For me it was particularly painful because I didn’t share what I was going through with any of my friends or family members. I think they would have helped me if they had known, and my baby would have lived.

END:PG 07 /4-5