ETERNAL LEAVE

As the new debate about a review of employment laws relating to paternity rages on, heated behind-the-scenes chat groups have been having fun in our office, talking about my boss.

One of the gags is that if a law granting men paternal leave is enacted, our CEO will be out of the office virtually the whole year.

Reason, he cannot keep his eyes off young girls, and is said to father a baby every now and then. He would qualify for eternal, rather than paternal leave! — Innocent

‘How Did That Happen?’

I had been seeing my boyfriend for almost one year, but none of us had ever thought of pregnancy. My periods which are usually very regular had delayed, so I was in panic when I called him- telling him that I think I might be pregnant. His response: ‘What! How did that happen?’ Luckily a test showed I was not pregnant! — Mercy

A ‘wet’ sneeze

During my last days of pregnancy, I realised that I was having a hard time containing urine, but it was no cause for alarm. I dealt with it by going to the toilet as often as I could.

One day my girlfriends took me out for dinner to a real fancy restaurant, as a treat to say goodbye to my ‘girlhood’. We were having so much fun, that I kept postponing going to the loo.

I usually have allergic reactions, especially to cold. So with time, I started sneezing. The first time I let it out, I felt some pressure in my belly. By the time the second sneeze came, I was trying hard to stifle it in vain.

When I finally sneezed, I felt a warm gush of liquid in my thighs and I instantly knew what had happened.

To cut the long story short; we were the last clients to leave the restaurant! — Grace

Leaky meeting

I resumed work after the usual two months maternity leave. On my first week back at the office, we had a staff meeting that incidentally was the first in the year.

After the main items on the agenda that included introducing some new staff, the boss asked the old staff to stand and introduce themselves, stating their department and a ‘punchy’ line to welcome the new members and to start the year.

When my turn came and I stood up, everyone laughed even before I could crack a joke.

I went ahead to throw in my usual funny lines, and in an instant everyone was in stitches.

When I sat down, one of my colleagues slipped a note to me. After I read it, I felt my face grow hot. ‘Your breasts are leaking!’, she alerted me.

Looking at my blouse I found two patches around my nipples. — Trudy

“Panya” route

A colleague of mine at the office likes to make fun of my pregnancy, especially since I told him I conceived by ‘accident’ as I am not married- and my baby’s father has refused to accept responsibility for the baby.

Recently he looked me in the face; and in a very serious tone asked, ‘What highway were you travelling on when the ‘accident’ happened?’

I took it lightly until another collegue added, ‘It was not a highway. They are not married, so it was a “panya” route!’ — Tabby

Double trouble

My wife’s pregnancy seems to have sparked the endless enjoyment of my friends, who wait for my stories about how I am coping after over ten years since our last child was born. Over a drink the other day, one of my buddies tried to crack an outrageous joke. ‘Do you guys still do it?’ he asked, meaning whether my wife and I have sex.

‘Of course,’ I replied, ‘What do you expect?’ The whole crowd seemed to share a secret, about that question and burst into laughter.

‘What’s the fuss all about?’ I demanded to know. ‘A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, right?’

I could not understand the joke until one of my friends walked over to me, and placed his hand over my large protruding tummy.

‘Double trouble!’ he exclaimed, as more laughter rent the air. — Kimani

END: PG 06/48