Rape by a friend

How to avoid it

Men commonly say that women say ‘no’ when they mean ‘yes’. And the more ‘nays’ a woman says, the more ‘yeas’ she means. This is a ridiculous fallacy which assumes a woman is incapable of taking a position, especially in matters that concern sexual intercourse. For this reason, most sexual activity borders on rape as many men do not wait for a decisive “yes” from a woman before proceeding to have sex with her. Unfortunately, most women not only condone this approach, but end up living with it. And even expressing satisfaction with the man after the event. There are however, many women who are left scarred and with mixed emotions, unable to decide whether they were raped or not. Many women believe, wrongly, that since they put themselves into the environment in which sex occurred without their ‘express’ consent, they are ultimately to blame and must face the consequences silently albeit bitterly.

Most women who are raped by a friend, are surprised when people they did not suspect to be capable of raping do exactly that. In most cases one cannot tell a rapist from a non-rapist. Some rapists are actually quiet, and humble-looking individuals. And many women get deceived by these looks, and find themselves in a helpless situation- to which they voluntarily took themselves. Many women who come for counselling on rape seem to blame themselves for one thing or another. ‘It was my fault,’ is a very common utterance.

Remote locations

You are more likely to be raped by someone, whether a friend or a stranger, if the two of you are alone in a remote place away from the attention or immediate reach of other people. This does not however mean, that a woman should never enjoy the company of a man, away from the public.

Caution:

Get to know your boyfriend well.

Dark alleys

Any dark passageway is potentially dangerous, not only to a woman but also to men.

Caution:

Whether with a male friend or not, avoid taking routes that give you a creepy feeling; always trust your first instinct- especially the danger sign.

Intimacy

Many unmarried couples abstaining from sex, also find themselves tempted to play the ‘holy devil’. Heavy petting, and getting dangerously close to having sexual intercourse, but not quite getting there. In an unguarded moment a man may lose self-control and force himself into you just when you least expect it. ln such cases the man may not necessarily be a pre-meditating rapist, but one who finds himself presented with the opportunity to rape.

In other cases, he may just have waited for the opportune moment to make it happen. Such men are quick to ‘apologise’ for the lack of control, after the incident.

Caution:

Do not get into heavy petting, unless you have decided you want to go all the way.

If you want to stay away from unsolicited sex, keep off men’s residences, particularly their bedrooms

Men’s residences
Women who find themselves getting raped in a boyfriend’s house, usually do not even scream when assaulted because they are embarrassed, since they took themselves there. Later they blame themselves.

Caution:

If you want to stay away from unsolicited sex, keep off men’s residences, particularly their bedrooms. This does not mean that every woman who visits a man at his house will be raped. Judge the situation depending on the kind of relationship you have, and how well you know the person.

Entertaining men in your house

It is probably inevitable, that your male friends will occasionally visit you at your house. Inviting a man to your house is normally a significant gesture of friendship to a man, especially if you invite him alone. If the man is interested in you, that is a frontier broken. It could mean many things to him. But most significantly it may be taken to be an indication that you like him, whether true or false. Many single women especially those in the cities live in single rooms, and by inviting the man to your house you have by extension—depending on how he thinks—invited him to your bedroom! You may further get him thinking by changing behind your ‘bedroom’ curtain, removing your shoes, or other form of ‘undressing.’

Caution:

There is nothing wrong with having a man visit you. A lot depends on your relationship, but if you want to keep safe from home date rape, you must have ‘house rules’—your list of dos and don’ts, depending on the kind of relationship you have with your visitor. And you must apply them accordingly.

Unsecured rooms

Many women are raped by friends—and sometimes relatives too, because they forgot to lock their bedroom door and wake up to find the man already in bed with them! Of course it does not follow that every man in the house is a threat, or that one should live with fear in a house. You need to make your own informed judgement, and make simple safety measures a routine. That way you will not be consciously guarding yourself.

Caution:

It is advisable to lock your room, if sleeping in a house shared with men.

Suggestive behaviour

Taunting a man can also lead to undue stimulation and agitation, if you turn around and say you did not mean ‘that.’ Many men do not understand that some women want to ‘play’, but not have sex. While a woman may consider a sexy look, a dazzling smile or a candle-lit, secluded dinner as the ultimate romance, a man gets sexually aroused very easily, and may believe a woman’s suggestive behaviour means more than intended.

Caution:

There are no hard rules about what is ‘suggestive’, as this is relative to the individuals involved. However, if you find yourself angling towards a sensual discussion or letting a man’s hand go ‘too far’, then it is time to stop! You need to make your own smart judgement.

Provocation

On the other hand some rapists are provoked by harsh words from a woman, and rape to ‘teach her a lesson.’ Some marriage rape can also be precipitated by a violent argument, especially where the man abuses drugs or alcohol. Rape can also happen in strained relationships. This is where a man feels, though wrongly, that he has been denied his conjugal ‘rights.’

One lady I know was raped the evening she broke off with her boyfriend as he was escorting her to a bus stop.

Caution:

Beware of picking a fight with a male friend, especially one with whom you have previously been intimate.

Alcohol!

You may have heard of women who took alcohol and ended up in the wrong house, the wrong bed and with the wrong person. No one can under-rate the intoxicating effects of alcohol.

Caution:

The best rule is to keep off alcohol altogether. Never allow yourself to drink too much alcohol while in the company of a friend, even if you trust him. Why? He may not be premeditating rape but you may just present him with the temptation (especially if you have previously declined his sexual advances), if you become helpless or alcohol makes you behave in a manner to suggest that it is okay to have sex.

END: PG 04/20-21

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