Rejected and Alone

Mari* reveals her innermost feelings about her mother’s lifestyle.

MARI says, ‘I don’t ever remember seeing my mother sober in the evenings. She was always drunk and abusive. It scared me, but I truly loved her. I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world.’

Mari was the child that June bore while she was 17 years old. June was rejected by her parents and had no support systems to help her cope with her situation. Mari watched her mum come home drunk on a daily basis. This greatly disturbed her even as a child. She says. “I prayed for her every night as a little girl. My prayer was always for God to help her to stop drinking but she never stopped. Many times I would be so hungry that I would sit at my neighbours’ until dinner time hoping to eat something. Most neighbours were kind but some were not. I remember one neighbour asking me why I always timed their food. Didn’t I have a mother to feed me? I felt terrible and vowed never to go there again.’

Mari grew up a loner. She did not have brothers and sisters to play with until Kimiti was born. Her cousins did not have much to do with her nor did the rest of the extended family. ‘When my brother Kimiti was born. I was very happy. It was really good to have a brother to play with. My only problem was that it took him so long to grow big enough to play with me. But I loved him: he was so cute.’

She actually became an alcoholic

As years went by, June got entrenched in her drinking habit. She actually became an alcoholic. She really was not in a position to take care of herself and her two children. ‘Even though I was small, I could see that my mother was not able to take care of Kimiti. Many were the times she left us without food. I used to carry Kimiti on my back and go begging for food for both of us. Many are the times we went hungry.’

Mari did not have much to do with her grandparents. Because of the circumstances of her birth, she was alienated from them. She saw them once in a while and thought they lived very far. Then I realised at some point that my grandparents were not far from us. So I would take Kimiti with me to my grandmother’s house. She was always kind to us and gave us food. Though my grandfather never objected to our being fed, he never said much and looked angry most times. They both could not stand my mother who sometimes abused them when drunk. But they were there for us: at least they gave us food.

My grandmother told me many times to learn the lesson and never be like my mother. ‘Boys are bad for you.’ she used to tell me. ‘She never really explained why but I grew up knowing boys are to be avoided at all costs since they were bad.’

We were not a ‘normal’ family

‘As I grew older, I understood that we were not a ‘normal’ family. We did not have a father. One morning, I asked my mother where our father was. She slapped me so hard that I almost passed out. I never asked again. But I always wondered how it would be like to have a father. I used to look at men and wonder which one of them might be my father. I dared not ask them or anybody else for that matter in case I got slapped again. To date I still do not know my father. When I grew older, I fearfully brought the subject up again. Although I was not slapped this time, I knew that this subject was a ‘no go zone’.

‘I cannot remember how old I was when I joined nursery school but it became the highlight of my day. There were many children to play with and we were served with porridge and sometimes biscuits. My brother came along with me most times because my mother was not at home. The teachers did not seem to mind, hence that worked out well. I learned later that one of my aunties was paying for both my brother and I to be in school. I guess she felt sorry for us even though she did not have much else to do with us. Up to today, I still cherish those days in nursery school. The teachers were nice and kind.’

Evenings were nightmares for my brother and I

‘Home was another story. Many were the days I wished I could spend the night at the school. Evenings were nightmares for my brother and I. Apart from lack of food, my mother started coming home with drunk men who would scare us and call us names. Fights broke out many times. All I could hear my mother say was. ‘I want my money, give me my money!’ My brother and I would huddle in a corner and close our eyes and ears. I wondered what money these drunk guys owed her. ‘Why can’t she just let them go home and leave us alone?’ Years later, I realised what this was all about.’

‘Time came when I had to move on to standard one. For some reason, I was terrified of going to a new school. It turned out to be a nightmare. Whereas I enjoyed nursery school, I did not enjoy primary school. As I grew older, I began to be aware of my circumstances even more. No father, a drunk mother and very poor. At times when I quarrelled or disagreed with someone, they would abuse me and shout that my mother was a drunk. That would make me very angry. Severally I got into fights because someone made fun of me. The boys particularly teased me a lot and I fought them. The teachers thought I was such a bad girl—‘just like your mother,’ they would say.’

Teacher Mary

‘Teacher Mary was, however, very different. She was kind to me and treated me well. She would talk to me from time to time and tell me not to be discouraged. Teacher Mary told me that, she too did not have a father and her step father was not nice to her. But she decided she was going to make it in life. She gave me so much hope. I wanted to grow up and be a teacher like her. Sometimes she would give me money to buy food for my brother and I. She seemed to know when things were bad for us. I wondered: why was she not my mother?’

She was in bed and said she was sick

‘One day when I was in standard five, I came home from school and mum was in the house. She was in bed and said she was sick. I went to my grandmother’s house to look for flour. When I came back, I found her moaning. I rushed to her bed and there was blood everywhere. I thought she was dying, I opened my mouth to scream but she told me to shut up, I did. Then she told me to hand her a plastic bag which was in the corner of the room. I did and she told me to go prepare food. Although I was scared I went and did as told. I brought her some food but she hardly ate it. My brother and I ate in silence.’

‘Sometime in the night, she called me and gave me the plastic bag which I had given her earlier and told me to go and throw it in the bush. It was dark and I was very scared but one look at her made me obey her. She told me to make sure nobody saw me. I did as told. When I came back, she told me never to tell anybody about it; she would kill me if I did. So I never told anybody. I did not want to die.’

I was afraid she would die

‘My mother was very sick. I was afraid she would die. For a whole week, she lay in bed. She was so weak that I had to support her to walk. I missed school for three days—which I did not mind—to nurse her. I never understood what went on that night until much later in life.  This made me feel betrayed, dirty and guilty but I could not bring it up with my mother. That is a day I will never forget.’

I took charge of the house

As June continued on a downward spiral, Mari took her place. ‘I took charge of the house, taking care of my brother, mother and myself. I did odd jobs on Saturdays and at times on Sundays to get a little money to buy food. Additionally, begged from neighbours and shopkeepers. Sometimes my grandmother gave us food and my aunt continued taking care of our school expenses. My brother became very withdrawn. He, like I, was teased a lot in school by other boys. Unlike me, he did not fight. He kept it all in and just withdrew. He does not say much and is very shy and if given a chance, he would rather run away than make conversations with people. I wished he would talk to me. I wished I knew what went on in his mind.’

That was Mari’s life. Somehow she persevered and went on with school. She finished her primary school, passed well and went on to high school. ‘I’ve just completed my fourth form. A Good Samaritan paid all my fees. That is when I truly realised that in spite of everything, God still cared for us. Otherwise how do you explain a stranger paying all your fees, uniforms and all? My brother is in primary school though not really doing well, I see him as my responsibility. I will do all what it takes to help him finish well in school.’

Sometimes I feel such a mistake

‘As for my mother—she still drinks—I have learned to live with her ways. Sometimes I feel such a mistake. Sometimes I am so angry with my mother but generally, I love her so much in spite of everything. But, I have told myself I will never ever to go the way she did. Can you understand what I am saying?’

‘I have recently given my life to Jesus Christ. I do not understand everything about it but I know that I do not have to carry this burden alone anymore. When I feel lost, I go to Him and cry. He gives me strength to go on. Teacher Mary used to tell me about Jesus; that He cares and would help me. I didn’t believe then that anybody cared for us.’

‘Some time ago, my grandmother told me what happened to my mother; about her pregnancy. I am not very angry with her now. I still pray for her, like I did when I was a little girl, that God will help her to stop drinking and I know one day she will change. But I sure wish somebody cared for her when she got pregnant in her teens.

*Mari – not her real name.

END: PG 09/44-45

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