My partner is HIV positive, but I can’t leave her

Some couples struggle to keep marriages afloat because of differences such as finances, infidelity and lack of children.  There are others that are struggling to swim against the tide of HIV.

Just what happens when a partner becomes HIV positive while the other is negative? David Njoroge* and his wife, Linet*, have been married for 12 years. The couple, who have a 9-year-old son, discovered about their HIV status in 2008.

‘I kept falling sick most of the time. It would be severe joint pains or just general weakness and sometimes loss of appetite. I kept going to various hospitals. Finally, a doctor advised that I take the HIV test,’ says Linet, adding, this was not a big deal.’

Linet spoke to her husband who agreed that they would take the test together.

‘That test changed our lives completely. I didn’t know what to do. It was the last thing I ever expected,’ says Njoroge, who tested HIV negative and Linet positive.

‘Hakuna kitu nilikuwa nimefanya ingetuma nifikirie niko na Ukimwi  (There’s nothing I had done to make me suspect I had Aids,’ says Linet pensively).

Njoroge, 53, met Linet, 33 in 1997 after his first marriage broke. The two started courting and moved in together a year later. In 2001, they were blessed with a baby boy. Linet says her pregnancy was normal and although she did not attend clinic regularly, the baby was delivered in a health facility next to her house in Kikuyu, in the outskirts of Nairobi. They are evidently happy and comfortable in each other’s company. The age difference, though, is apparent. Linet is the quiet type and leaves most of the talking to Njoroge.

’Has your different HIV status affected your relationship?’ I ask.

‘Mmmmmhhh!!! I don’t know’, only that now I have to make sure she attends clinic without fail and that she is eating the right foods. We also have to use protection but I still love her.’ David answers, looking at his wife in the eyes. ‘Of course, I would have preferred that things were different but here we are now. Wishing is not going to change her status,’ he adds after a long pause.

‘Have you ever thought of ending your relationship because she is positive and you are negative?’ I continue.

‘Kumuacha? Nimuache aende wapi. Wewe niambie, aende wapi? (If I leave her, where does she go? You tell me), you see … hakuna haja.’ (It makes no sense).

Contrary to popular belief, men are more likely to stand by their HIV-positive wives while women will prefer to walk out if they are found to be negative and the man positive. Naftali Opiyo, a psychologist at the Kenyatta National Hospital Couple Counselling Centre, says: ‘HIV does not break marriages, other underlying factors do.’ The centre, which was set up to offer psychological support services to discordant couples, has an average of 30 clients per week.

‘Men are very supportive, but the majority of women who test negative prefer to end the relationship and move on with their lives,’ says Opiyo, adding, ‘In some cases, the couple can decide to live together but have no sexual contact. Some have even opted for long distance relationships where one partner, mostly the wife, moves to the village with the children and the husband remains in the city. The most difficult part is to bring the couple to accept their different HIV status and stop the blame game.’

Although HIV in adults is transmitted in many ways, the most common is through sex. Therefore, it is very difficult to convince one partner to stay when they strongly believe that they have been cheated on and exposed to the deadly virus. ‘Discordance is real and the best we can do is helping the couples develop coping mechanisms and minimize the risk of infecting the negative partner,’ says Opiyo.

At the centre, the main objective is to reduce the chances of the HIV negative partner getting the virus and refer the positive partner to an ARV clinic. Most of the clients are referred here from VCT centres, ante-natal clinics and other health institutions.

Opiyo says when clients first come to the centre, they are mostly in denial, with the positive partner asking, ‘Why me?’ and the negative partner saying. “How could you do this?’ At this point, we let the couples pour out their hearts if they are willing to talk.

We don’t advise them on what to do. we just try to make them understand that they still have whole life ahead of them. If a couple decided that the best way to cope is through separation, we really don’t have much choice over that.’

He says although they would love to see all couples in discordant relationships sustain their marriages, they leave the decision-making to them as they are the ones affected. ‘We want to see all marriages move on but sometimes, it just can’t work. Naturally, one partner will feel like the victim and unless they are willing to understand, its difficult to cope,’ says Opiyo.

While it is easier to diagnose HIV, it is an uphill task trying to establish how one acquired the virus This is how the blame game sets in. Though it is only natural for one to want to know how and where their partner got HIV, it is not in the interest of the infected partner to want to talk about it.

‘It is like digging into an old wound; it is best to let it heal. Most people don’t even know how and who infected them with the virus. They are equally shocked to find out they are positive. It is so complex, you just can never tell,’ says Nelima, a counsellor at the Couple Counselling Centre. She continues, ‘Once we know the status, we should plan on moving forward rather than going back to history. HIV is not all about sex, or illicit sex as many would like to believe. What if someone got it by other means?’

What if your partner tested HIV-positive, and you tested negative—or the other way round?

It is more than just testing for HIV. It is a lifetime commitment.

‘Names have been changed to conceal identity for legal and moral reasons.

END: PG38/46-47