Shaking off disappointment

In recent weeks, I have had to deal with disappointment as good friends of mine betrayed my trust and spread unpalatable rumours about me. I have no way of defending myself and even when a friend assured me that my name will be cleared in due time, I found it hard to believe because of the sort of stories being said about me.

The question ‘Why?’ continues to plague my mind as I try to find some rational explanation to my friends’ bizarre behaviour. Well, I have cried, prayed, skipped meals, withdrawn from the social scene, slept too much, and for a moment I thought I would sink into depression. Interestingly, in the last few days I have met old friends who have shared their stories of disappointment, and it has been amazing to learn from them coping mechanisms. One thing that has stood out among all my friends is the need for me to realize and determine that life must go on.

I dedicate this article to every mum-to-be who has been rejected by her partner or her family as a result of the pregnancy. You may be trying to come to terms with the sudden realization that you are all alone and that the people you trusted to walk by your side have chosen to disown you. In addition, there may be all sorts of words and phrases that have been thrown at you, while rumours abound among family and friend as if they were foes. It is a painful situation. The disappointment is heart-rending.

What is disappointment? It is that sinking feeling we get when our expectations are not met. We get disappointed with people when they do not do what they promise to do. For example, when a man promises to marry you and he does not, you are bound to get disappointed. We also get disappointed when someone acts outside his or her character as we know it. I know I was disappointed by my friends’ behaviour towards me because they  are people I held in high regard and believed they were people who would never act as they did. With this in mind, is it possible for us to deal with disappointment? I believe it is.

According to an article in Women’s Health Magazine (http:// womens-health/health/you- Improved/article e/-/7 816 764/deaIing- with-disappointment), dealing with disappointment in our personal lives helps us develop strength of character. Various professionals share the following insights on dealing with disappointment:

Download but do not dwell on the disappointment: According to Transformation Coach, Janet McNally, we should allow ourselves to feel the disappointment (the let- down) by experiencing the various emotions such as crying, but we should be careful not to dwell on it. There is need to focus on ‘what is next’. It is important to surround yourself with good genuine friends who will encourage you to dust yourself off and move onto the next chapter of your life.

Psychologist Michael Burge warns against turning your disappointments into catastrophes, and states that you should be wary of ‘Should’ and ‘Why did or Why did I not?’ It also helps to think how people you know have dealt with sour deals in their lives and gone on to overcome their adversities. For example, how many single mums do you know have gone on to raise their children into responsible adults? Or how many women who have been unable to bear their own children have gone on ahead to be mothers to orphans or abandoned babies?

Be Realistic
Burge further reminds us that we need to understand that disappointments are often about developing boundaries, that is, ‘what we want versus what others are prepared to give us, working out what is realistic and when we are being overly idealistic.’ This is a trial- and-error process that is crucial in our development. Furthermore, Woman’s Health stress-less expert and psychologist Dr. Suzy Green says that women tend to expect more of their friends than men do. So, we experience more disappointment when our mates let us down. After a let-down, it is important to ask yourself whether your expectation was too high and work to adjust them. Cultivate trusting relationships by all means but never elevate any particular individual to an unrealistic expectation.

Talk to Somebody
Find someone who is not attached to the outcome of your situation, such as a mentor, life coach, counsellor, pastor or a trusted confidante. Talk to the person about what happened, what your actions and expectations were. What you are trying to assess is if there were any gaps in the entire process and what you should have done instead. In this way, you begin to take responsibility for your actions while drawing the necessary boundaries in your future interactions and expectations.

Maintain a Positive Attitude
As you learn your lessons, there is need to guard against becoming negative and bitter. Experiencing a disappointment does not mean you will never love again, or have friends, or confide in anyone. Life is about taking risks. So Find a middle ground within which you can interact with people while growing as a person. Disappointments will always be part of our lives and so we need to learn how to deal with them rather than avoiding them. The man may have walked out on you when you were expecting his baby but that does not mean all men are callous and irresponsible. Who knows? You could just meet someone who genuinely loves you and your baby’

Learn From Your Disappointment
A setback can be a blessing in disguise and a great learning tool-even though you want to cry at the time. According to Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Alice Boyes, ‘disappointments are a signaling system, they let us know that there is something we need to pay attention to and they motivate our actions.’ For example, if you feel let down by your boyfriend for the hundredth time, this is part of the process of breaking your emotional attachment to him. The important thing to take away from the let- down is: ‘What next?’ Psychologist Burge quips: ‘Even Freud said you have to deal with disappointment to understand who you are, and unless you continue to try different things, you are not going to learn how to be happy.’ The alternative to not moving on and having another crack is playing safe and never taking another risk.

Just writing this has helped me to begin to appreciate my recent disappointment. As a mum-to-be, it is important to look at the bigger picture of your disappointment. One, your disappointment is critical in the development of your emotional intelligence and will push you towards what is really right for you. Second, disappointment helps us empathize with others who are going through disappointments. Third, you will learn how to draw on your inner strength rather than always depending on people and activities since disappointment provides us an opportunity to withdraw from the ‘busyness’ of life and take a critical inward look of who we truly are, our values and the next phase of our lives.

So, my dear mum, sis and friend, cry if you must, but rise up, shake off the dust, and let us move on to what life has for us. Life is too short to be spent in mourning. There are greater joys awaiting us.

The. writer is a trained counseling psychologist.

END: PG 37 /28-29