Teaching your child about sex

The do’s and don’ts
The society has been infiltrated by messages full of sexual connotations. Everywhere you turn, there are suggestive messages and explicit images on billboards, adverts, the Internet and movies. Parents have a challenge finding wholesome entertainment for their children.

Children are exposed to myriad obscene scenes, leading to other serious emotional and physical consequences. It is no longer safe to leave kids unattended in front of a television set. It is inevitable that a parent will at some point have to have the ‘talk’ with their child about sex.

According to Sophia Mwaniki, a teacher and counsellor, sex education is training or instruction given or acquired about males and females. The United Nations Educational Scientific and Cultural Organisation (UNESCO) enlisted a programme on sex education to teach HIV prevention among young people in learning institutions.

When is the best time to have this talk? ‘Kids today are developing much faster due to lifestyle changes like the food they eat and exposure to the environment surrounding them. As a result, they can access information about sex through media, peers, music, books and clothing. Parents need to take an active role in guiding their children regarding sexual matters,’ says Sophia.

She says parents need to instill this knowledge as early as age three or immediately kids begin to realise their sexes.

‘This is characterised by very many questions that parents ignore to answer,’ says Sophia.

According to the United Nations Declaration of Commitment on HIV/Aids, young people aged 15 to 24 should have provision for HIV prevention information. However, according to Save the Children Sweden,due to taboo, children below 15 have been left out in the HIV/Aids prevention programmes.

Be proactive
Studies also indicate that kids who have access to the right information tend to abstain while those without guidance tend to be misled by their peers. It is therefore important to put measures in place to deal with this issue to keep kids safe from the consequences of risky sexual behaviour.

Parents need to use different ways to educate kids about sex. This information should be measured in relation to age appropriateness. ‘Girls and boys of different ages will require different methods and different information about relationships and reproduction. Young children aged five need to be taught about hygiene and life skills on how to respect themselves and others,’ says Sophia.

Kathy Tate-Bradish, a certified HIV/ AIDS and sexual health education trainer, believes it is never too early for appropriate education. ‘If a young child asks questions on sex, the answer should be simple but accurate.

There are excellent books for parents of pre-school children. Children rarely ask for more information than they are ready for. But telling them that they have said a bad word that they shouldn’t repeat is not the path towards healthy attitudes about sex,’she says.

Other ways, says Kathy, include listening, answering questions honestly and not blaming or judging. ‘We did an interesting exercise in 2009 at two high schools where the students were required to go home and ask their parents, grandparents or guardians some specific questions about sexual activity, which they were very nervous about doing. When they reported back, their parents or guardians were thrilled that the kids had brought up the subject. The students asked me to write more questions and pretend it was another homework assignment so that they could talk more about it without being embarrassed,’ she says.

Why sex education?
There are benefits for teaching kids about sexuality and responsibility. Kathy says she has discovered that in the rural areas where she works, girls and women do not know much about menstruation and the biological process of egg fertilisation is only vaguely understood. She says besides teaching women and girls about their bodies, they also stress reducing the risk of HIV, other STDs and early pregnancy. ‘We talk a lot about skills on how to say ‘‘No’’, having good communication in a relationship and self-respect and about the dangers of sugar daddies and sugar mamas. Making decisions that further your dreams, not getting you a new blouse,’ Kathy says.

‘There are four key reasons why we should teach kids about sexuality,’ says Sophia. They are:

Right source – They will learn about sexuality from the right people. It is better for this information to come from parents first instead of negative sources or peers.

Awareness – Enables them to identify signs of coercion or negative influence. They also know what is morally acceptable by differentiating between proper and improper information. It teaches them how to avoid risky behaviour like drinking that could impair one’s judgment and make them vulnerable to an attack.

Purpose – To help them understand the wide variations in attitudes and values of sexuality. It enables them to understand the purpose of sex in regards to commitment, relationships and consequences of risky sexual behaviour. It helps them make wise decisions when confronted with a social dilemma.

Acceptance – To help them appreciate their growth and development. They will be aware of the physical and emotional changes in their bodies and be able to deal with them. This allows each child to embrace their make-up and be tolerant of others.

Sexuality guidelines
As children develop, they become curious about their bodies and of the opposite sex. They will tend to experiment and mimic what they have seen on television. Parents need to be alert to ensure they prevent any negative behaviour that could lead to problems. ‘Listen and acknowledge that sex is a natural activity, but that we don’t have to act on our feelings. Keep the kids in school, and encourage them to dream big and pursue a happy, hopeful future,’ advises Kathy. ‘There are simple steps parents can take to take charge of this issue,’ says Sophia. These include:

Educate – Parents should ensure that their children are equipped with proper information about sexuality. They should build rapport with their kids and provide materials for sexual awareness.

Demystify – Parents should demystify the myths concerning sex. Do not assume that your child does not know anything about sex. Share candidly the purpose of sex and consequences.

Monitor – Parents should monitor the programmes the children watch, the books they read, their choice of music and also their friends. Encourage your kids to bring their friends home for better supervision. In case they spend the night at a neighbour’s house, ensure you know the host well and have his or her contacts to check up on your child.

Camps – Organise holiday camps where children can be taught about sexuality by experts. This enables them to open up and share their struggles or concerns. They also interact with other kids and identify with their own challenges.

Some parents feel the best way to ensure children handle sexuality responsibly is by providing those sexually- active with contraceptives. Sophia discourages this and says that when it comes to children, contraceptives should not be discussed. She emphasizes: ‘Instead, teach them the importance of abstaining from sex till marriage.’

Consequences for ignorance
There are various reasons why parents still find it difficult to discuss this matter with their children. It is still a taboo to talk about sexual reproduction with your kids. Religion is also a major stumbling block in educating children about sex.

Premarital sex is still regarded a vice, making it difficult to bring up the topic. This has left many kids to discover this subject on their own, leading to disastrous outcomes.‘Prevention is the long-term answer. There is seemingly no actual sex education curriculum for the schools. Life skills classes don’t seem to be very candid about sex,’ says Kathy.

‘There are ways to know if your child has been sexually violated. These include:

• Shyness.
• Withdrawal.
• Damaged genitals.
• Fear.
• Sleep disturbances.
• Sexual play.
• Compulsive masturbation.
• Regressing behaviour e.g. bedwetting.
• Psychosomatic ailments (physical manifestations of emotional disturbances).
• Drop in school performance.
• Promiscuity.
• Depression.

What is the best way to deal with a sexually abused child?

• Medical check-up – Consult a doctor immediately you suspect your child has been violated.
• Counselling – Attending counselling sessions will enable the child to share what exactly happened. It will also help the child to begin healing instead of suffering in shame.
• Support – Parents should reassure the child and help him or her deal with the difficult time.

END: BL 44 / 36-37