In search of understanding
The days following my confirmation to my family that I was expectant were filled with drama. From my son, the maid and unfortunately, my husband too, smiles were not forthcoming.
Not that I had bothered to explain my pregnancy to anyone, but it appeared to me that everyone, including the neighbour’s cat and the watchman’s wife, knew I was expecting.
Suffice it to say I was in deep thought most of the time and half of the time, I would not have cared less what the rest of the world thought. To be honest I could not put a finger on what was causing me the confusion I was feeling. If anyone asked me, I was not sure whether what I was experiencing was exhilaration or exasperation. On one hand, the guilt was killing me and I was in turmoil on behalf of my son.
‘How could you do this to him? He is just a child and he needs you now more than ever,’ the condemning internal voice of the bad cupid kept nagging at my brain.
‘How selfish can you be? This boy is not even a year and you are preg….’ I had it up to the brim and just needed to get out of this environment and go away from this place. What is going on? Condemnations were flying in all over the place – from the seats, to the carpet, to the cupboard, to the curtains, to the ceiling and even, I think, the media! It is as if the entire world was against me and for what? Since when was it a vindication to get pregnant?
The first time my husband erroneously stumbled on the information of the pregnancy, it already begun a series of questions, the first being, ‘when were you going to tell me?’ I had never felt so alone in my marriage.
Why in heaven’s name was I the one who had done all the wrongs in this second pregnancy? How was I supposed to know that my mother was a prophet when she nonchalantly advised that I am pregnant? Am not throwing unnecessary tantrums but why does it appear, at least to me, that I am to blame?
My son is now fidgeting as if to wake up. He has not changed much from that first time I set my eyes on him, at birth. He is handsome, no doubt, and I know that he will make me very proud one of these days. But that is only if I constantly remember to pray for him and prepare a good foundation with good values and examples for him to follow. He opens his eyes. They are big, bright and beautiful – and I am not just saying that because he is my son. He really is a great gift that I have enjoyed for the last few months because soon he will be one and from then I know my life will change forever. I pick him up from his crib as he stretches tall and wide all the while cooing ‘Mummy’.
I simply push my concoction of thoughts away—just like a new page leaf turned over after the end of a chapter. Now of all things in this wonderful world, nothing can replace the feeling of completion a mother gets from watching a happy child. He is now through with his stretch aerobics and is looking at me intensely before breaking into one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen. At such a point, nothing in the world could get between our happiness. I know there is a little baby growing inside me but this baby that I already hold in my arms is the reason I live today.
I know in my bosom that he understands I would not do anything to harm him and because of this, I will dedicate all my time between now and the time the new baby comes to him. I have made a pledge to feed and play with him, to clean and bathe him, to be accountable now henceforth because despite the coming of a new baby, I can count on Tebogo, knowing that when the rest of the world does not seem to understand, I know I mean the world to him – pregnant or not.
As I stare into space, I know in my mind that I need reassurance to carry through this pregnancy and take care of Tebogo at the same time. I need understanding… from my hubby, friends, family.
“The first time my husband erroneously stumbled on the information of the pregnancy, it already begun a series of questions, the first being, ‘when were you going to tell me?”
END: BL37/52