Help! I cannot love my baby

Loving your baby is not something a mother will question, let alone discuss. For, is it not supposed to come naturally? What happens when you as a mother cannot bring yourself to love your newborn baby? And how is it possible that a mother can carry her child for nine months only to resent her offspring once he is born?

This happened to a Pregnant reader. After getting her baby, Jane* realized that she could not fall in love with her newborn. She thought it was a phase, probably baby blues, and that it would go away after a day or two; but no, it persisted. She gave the baby all the care and love needed but the mother-baby bond could not be attained. On the second year, with nothing changed she decided to visit a doctor.

Lack of maternal instincts is a real situation afflicting many mothers. Lucy Simiyu, a psychological counsellor notes that maternal instinct is the bond shared between a mother and child and states that it is often assumed that all women have the ability to bond with their babies. ‘In as much as this may be true,’ she says, it does take different lengths of periods for different women to acquire the maternal instinct. ‘We are all different in terms of our make up and our experiences,’ she adds.

Naomi Mruttu, a clinical psychologist concurs that there are several common myths about being a mother which can contribute to a woman feeling depressed and feeling that she is a failure. They include the idea that motherhood skills are instinctive, that bonding should be immediate, that the baby will be perfect and never fussy, and that the new mother should be perfect. In real life, she notes, this is not the case. Mothering skills need to be learned and at times bonding takes time. No mother is perfect.

Naomi though attributes feelings of not being able to love one’s baby to either post partum depression or baby blues. Baby blues are characterized by temporary mood swings which most mothers experience a few days after birth—feelings of weepiness and sadness, which lifts after a few days. Post partum depression however, may need more time to be dealt with.

Here are a few questions answered by Naomi as concerns non-maternal instincts.

What do you call a condition where a mother cannot bring herself to love her baby?
These are symptoms of post natal depression which occur anywhere from a few weeks to a few months after the birth. According to Awoke magazine, ‘postpartum depression involves prolonged feelings of depression that might begin at the birth of a child or even weeks or months later. A new mother with this condition may find herself elated in one moment and depressed—even suicidal—in the next. In addition, she may be irritable, resentful and angry. She may experience a persistent feeling of inadequacy as a mother and a lack of love for her baby.

Is it a common occurrence?
Awake magazine reports:’Postpartum depression is a phenomenon with a long history. As far back as the fourth century B.C. Greek physician Hippocrates noted the dramatic psychological changes suffered by some women after childbirth. A study published in the Brazilian Journal of Medical and Biological Research explained: ‘Postnatal depression is a significant problem affecting 10-15 per cent of mothers in many countries.’ Regrettably, though, ‘most cases of such depression do not receive a correct diagnosis and are not properly medicated.’ said the Journal.

What can it be attributed to?
Emotional factors such as an unplanned pregnancy, a premature birth, loss of freedom, concern about attractiveness and lack of support can contribute to depression. Physical factors such as a difficult pregnancy and/or difficult birth, prolonged lack of sleep leading to constant fatigue often make it harder for mothers to cope with things they handled with ease before the birth. Most common is the severe hormonal changes that accompany childbirth—these can be particularly destabilizing for some mothers, and when all the factors are present at once. This can contribute to postpartum depression.

Is it abnormal?
Depression in any form is a normal reaction to abnormal stress. Some women are predisposed to or more likely to suffer from depression because of genetic factors which combined with a delicate constitution brought on by pregnancy and childbirth along with a variety of stresses can lead to postpartum depression. However all women are different and should not be compared, or labeled ‘normal’ or ‘abnormal.’ All babies are different and sometimes a woman copes wonderfully with one baby and then gets postpartum depression after a second or even third baby. It is important for a victim of postpartum depression to know that it is not her fault and that she will get better.

Can a woman get over it?
Yes. Many do get over postpartum depression and are able to function fully and enjoy life as before.

What accompanies this phenomenon; when a woman dislikes her child, what goes on in her head? Is she aware of what she is doing?
Awake magazine quotes Dr. Miller, an expert on the subject: ‘Some clinically depressed mothers know intellectually that they love their babies, yet they have trouble feeling anything but apathy, irritation, or disgust. Others have thoughts of harming or even killing their babies.’ In some rare cases they experience a condition known as postpartum psychosis, which includes hallucinations, voices and dark thoughts about harming themselves and/or their babies. Mothers who experience postpartum depression, which is much more common, often feel unable to function normally: keeping up with their housework becomes a task. They feel they cannot be around people, even some close friends. They suffer from low self-esteem because of the limitations the disease places on them, and they often feel angry and irritable with those around them. It is not her fault, and when she lashes out. loved ones need to remember that it is the disease speaking, and not the person. She is not behaving illogically or irrationally on purpose.

Is it something that could recur in subsequent births?
The potential recurrence of postpartum depression is not a factor that can be pinpointed with accuracy. The same mother might experience postpartum depression with one child, whereas with another she might have no symptoms at all.

Corrective measures

• According to Lucy Simiyu. you need to examine what you expect to feel as a mother. Are these feelings being dictated by what others say you should feel? If so. then you are going to beat yourself up into a miserable mother. It is important to know that we all vary in the way we express emotions and it is worthwhile to understand yourself first.

• How do you express emotions to those around you? Are you the overt loving type or are you the type of person who restricts emotional expression? Once you can identify your behaviour pattern, then you can begin the process of learning how to express ‘maternal feelings’ to your baby. She advises that if you are experiencing a non-maternal instinct then you should not be too worried about it: take one day at a time. Look for little aspects in the little baby that excite you and celebrate them by laughing, cooing or crying in joy. It may seem unlike you but gradually, it will begin to rub into you and before you know it. you will find so much joy and attachment to the little one. Talk about your baby to everyone, carry pictures of him wherever you go, place pictures of him on your desk and look at his eyes, his smile, his lips and then naturally, just the way we fall in love, you will slowly begin to experience emotions that will be hard to ignore.

END: PG 19/52-53