Why they can’t make friends
There is a quote by a scholar, Lois Kaufman that goes, ‘Plant a seed of friendship; reap a bouquet of happiness: This is something that rings true in many of our lives. When times are hard and our friends are there for us, we are grateful and often wonder, What would I do without her/him? A simple gesture, such as when a toddler offers a stranger a bite of what he is eating is a confirmation that friendship needs emerge at that early stage. In addition, our hearts melt when we witness good relations developing between our children at a very young age knowing that it is an important part of life. Your child will need friendship when the going gets tough.
Friendship advice
- Listen: Many adults tend to dismiss their children without properly listening or they give the wrong advice to even a non-existent problem. For instance, children can be mean and in their innocence, they don’t know it. If your child can’t find acceptance amongst his peers, instead of ignoring the issue or telling him to try harder, validate his feelings and let him know that it’s okay to feel hurt You can also reassure him by telling him that he will find friends to play with, who will accept him the way he is. Whether your child is experiencing challenges in making friends because he is reserved or shy or she is boisterous or controlling, be careful not to label your child these character traits. He may feel trapped and actually become the very things you want to avoid.
- Be a good role model: Children learn from observation and your behaviour and responses to social situations can directly influence your child. For instance, kids with very strict parents may get accused of being bossy to their peers. However, consciously making decisions to improve social skills by being polite, being warm and inclusive to everyone, sharing your belongings will show your child what true friendship is all about.
- Use role play: Prepare your children by showing different social situations that they are likely to encounter. You may observe them when playing and interrupt them asking to join in. You may show positive responses or polite refusal responses, and if possible act it out showing what your child should say in each situation. At this point, teach them to say the basic courtesy words like ‘thank you’ and ‘please.’
- Monitored play dates: If your child is repeatedly getting into trouble with his friends, it may force him to become isolated because he may not want to stop causing trouble. To prevent him from being a loner and a social outcast, you can invite some friends to come over in order to increase the play opportunities. Invite children who are outgoing and have good social skills and make sure you plan in advance with your child on the kind of activities and games that would be played. When your child and his friends are playing well reassure them by audibly saying things like, ‘You two really get along well: If the play date takes a wrong turn, intervene and engage by asking them what happened and their ideas on how to solve the issue, with an aim of reconciling them.
- Rewards: Whenever your child is interacting well with other children, praise the kind of social skills you want to see more. For example, sharing, taking turns, waiting and helping someone. Be specific and complement them by noting what they did and telling them that behaviour is good.
END: BL 31 / 13