WAKE UP, SIR! Should a Man wake up to change Baby?

You can’t beat around the bush about a crying baby in the night. Simply put, someone has to wake up. Dad, are you willing? Sandra Mulluka explores this topic.

A friend of mine recently had a baby and when I went to see her, she was all in tears explaining her frustration with her husband who wouldn’t help in taking care of the baby. According to her husband, women have ‘maternal instincts’ that make them best suited to rear kids. After all, there is a reason why God made the woman to carry the baby – it is her job to nurture that baby!

Whenever the baby woke up at night, he fell short of throwing her and ‘their bundle of joy’ out of the bedroom because they disrupted his sleep. On several occasions when the baby woke them up screaming, her angry husband pulled a blanket out of the bed and curled on the sofa for the night! In his view, the woman had the whole day to sleep while he toiled away, and yet he could not get a good night’s rest in his own house! Now, how do you tell such a man that it is his turn to get up and change the baby?

Many couples aspire to have equal sharing of parenting tasks way before the baby is born. But the reality proves more difficult when the baby arrives.

Here is the cry of yet another woman:

I wake up three to four times a night while my man snores away throughout the night. In the morning he wakes up and expects to find breakfast at the table waiting for him. After breakfast he leaves for work leaving all utensils exactly where he used them. If he carries a cup of tea to the bedroom because he is late and wants to wear his tie as he finishes his tea (I don’t know how he manages that!), he will leave the cup on the dressing mirror!

As tired as I get, I am left to take care of the baby and the house all by myself. Evening comes, and dinner has to be ready, otherwise the cold war is on. He expects to find the house neat, no dishes on the sink, no laundry undone and most annoying, he says I need to style up – look gorgeous and romantic! Now I ask, am I not as human as he is, toiling as much at home as he does in the office? How can I get him to get a grip on this?

When women talk about a man helping raise a family, most men will react, ‘What have I not given you?!’ For him, money and sex should be sufficient. Apparently, however, a stay-at-home mum is not simply asking her man to put a meal on the table. No, no, no! She wants a mate. She wants action; even though I must admit women want sweet words whispered into their ears as well! As much as men are the breadwinners, this does not ‘excuse’ them from the role of parenthood. Men need to also play with, feed and change the baby, as well as create a warm, close relationship with the mother. Nothing wrong with a ‘stay-at-home dad’. Or is there?

This brings to mind a very apt quote I came across by a great speaker from a prior generation: ‘A father’s responsibility towards his young children is to make sure that the child has a happy and relaxed mother!’

Men in the past were not involved with their children; their belief was that child-rearing was a woman’s job. Therefore, it is not surprising to find many of our ‘modern’ men still living in the 20th Century and expecting the wife to be the ‘Supermom’ that their mothers were!

If you are a new father, you may argue that you don’t know much about babies – well, to make it sink home, your wife is a first time mum and doesn’t know much either! You are both experiencing parenthood for the first time, so don’t sit back and imagine that your wife knows it all. Don’t let your wife fumble in the dark alone, there is lots of information available in books, videos and magazines on such topics. Most antenatal courses also have sessions on taking care of the new baby. Talk to friends who have babies and ask them how to hold, bathe and change an infant.

On the other hand women should not pretend that the end of the world for the man has come because a baby has been born. While taking care of a baby is tiring work, sharing the responsibility with your man means that you will both have more energy for your relationship with each other. In the early months after the baby is born, many fathers feel like they are second in line when it comes to the baby. It is understandable for the mother to focus her attention on the new arrival, but it should not be done at the expense of her relationship to the child’s father.

More women work outside the home today than in the past, requiring men to do more housework, including caring for their children. In some two-parent families, you may find that the parents work in different shifts and alternate at home. As a father, you need to take charge by taking care of your children each day. This gives you a chance to form a strong, close bond with the kids.

Even if you don’t take on a ‘houseparent’ role while your partner works, you can still create that close bond with your children. Give each child some special attention each day, paying attention to nothing else, just that child. In this way you tell your child that she is important to you.

Your first shot as a ‘wake-up dad’ may feel awkward. Most men are however quick learners and will adjust fast.

If you think men do not wake up to feed or change their babies, you are in your own misled world. The truth is that many loving men today, are joining their wives in night-time baby care.

You may feel that sitting around while your wife breastfeeds the baby is a waste of your time. After all, you may reason, you are doing ‘nothing’, so why will she not let you sleep? How selfish can a woman be?

It is quite common for a baby, because of the lure of the mum’s breast, to seem to prefer the mother. Some dads try to soothe a baby but give up in frustration, saying, ‘Take this baby. She wants the mum!’ Take heart. This ‘rejection’ by the baby is only temporary and will end as soon as the baby is adequately ‘familiar’ with you. Remember the baby spent nine months inside the mum. If you were a baby, whom would you prefer? When you were an infant, whom did you prefer? Ask your own dad and get some comfort!

On the other hand, the new mother is often desperate for a break from the intensity of the new baby’s needs, and legitimately needs your help. You and your wife need to jointly learn how to cope with this new situation.

It is important for a mother to be very patient and encouraging as her husband learns how to hold, change or bathe the child. Some women will scold the baby’s father, undermine his efforts and make him feel unknowledgeable and inadequate. Such women should stop feeling on top of their ‘expertise’ and avoid comments like: ‘Look how you are holding the baby’; ‘My God, you will drown her!’; ‘What is wrong with fathers?!’

Lack of communication and mis-communication are some of the greatest marital pitfalls. As a mum, talk to your man as openly as you communicate to him as a lover. If you are a dad, remember this woman now called ‘mum’ is the same one who makes your night of stars. Tell her what you feel as a father. What are your expectations? What are your offers?

END: PG 06/53-54