To spank or not to

Noni is a two year old bundle of energy. She has perfected the art of cleaning the table with her small rag once the house help clears the table after meals. Her strong hands can now drag a stool, which she climbs on to try stir food cooking on the cooker. Despite her parents’ attempts to still her, her determination seems undeterrable.

The other day Noni was jumping inside a children’s bouncing castle in the estate. Children had to pay some small fee to access this estate fun-fare. Asking her who was paying for her to be part of the fun, she showed me a Ksh 5/- coin. Shortly she was jumping away into the castle. Her mother, my good friend, later mentioned that she had taken the coin from her without her permission.

Honestly, it was more hilarious than serious when we talked about it. But as I walked back home, I couldn’t help thinking how Noni’s character needed to be groomed before it got out of hand. Then I remembered, when I was 5 years old, I stole a matchbox from my grandmother’s house to give it to my mom as a present. I don’t know how she knew that it was stolen even before she asked, but I got a beating that is still vivid to me, many years later.

Our generation has memories Pati pati beatings, and for more serious mistakes, Mshipi lashings. Not to brag, but majority of us reformed as a result, and we must attribute most of our success to this ‘tough love’.

Today, spanking is barely heard of, Not even in schools. Just the other day my neighbour’s daughter told me that her mother decided to transfer her to another school as their teachers were beating them with ‘pipes’. The big argument is that there are better alternatives of disciplining. Whether that is true or not, I am yet to prove. However I can’t help asking myself, ‘Why is it that we never really burnt schools during our time?’ Just asking.

Today, people have become more ‘rights’ conscious. There are, for instance, child rights’ toll-free numbers that children can call if they feel their rights are being infringed. But, really, why should we discipline children? This does not mean beating the child when you are angry and hitting them wherever with whatever. It is about using a more firm reprimand that is effective on children, whose verbal communication is not mature enough to comprehend the importance of heeding to instructions. A spank on their behind with your hand (before which you explain you why are disciplining them, and reminding that you love them after that) will therefore:

Instill a sense of responsibility
Children adapt to patterns of behaviour that end up becoming habits-positive habits, which require high discipline and effort to be adorned-even for a mature person. When they steer away from your instructions of making them responsible, spanking is an ideal way to bring them back.

Establish parental authority 
Children must learn to respect your authority as a parent, so that your good word of instruction is taken more seriously. When children challenge parental orders or counsel, they subconsciously own the authority, and end up misusing it for their own little selfish desires. Children should be taught to use power gradually as they progress with age-such that the younger respect the older siblings.

Reinforce a positive child-parent relationship
When used effectively and accompanied by love, spanking gives the child a sense of security. They feel that someone cares enough to sacrifice their ‘face’ to make sure they get the best. It translates into a healthy emotional development in the child.

Imagine teaching your child how to ride a bicycle in preparation for a cycling competition. As you teach, you will consider that during the competition, you will not be there to catch them if they fall. The cycling competition might be a tough experience prone to accidents, muscle cramps and the like as he presses towards the finishing line. You can only cheer and anxiously expect or not expect the child to win, depending on his physical prowess and the amount of training you subjected him to.

Now, make that competition the real life race. It takes the same foundation-which is about some firm discipline. No wonder the book of books says, ‘Whoever refuses to spank his son hates him, but whoever loves his son disciplines him from early on.

The writer is a communications consultant with a passion for child development.

END: BL 28 /8-9