Project Baby
I am waiting with Megan at her house and she is still a nervous wreck. It is three weeks since she discovered she is HIV-positive. Today, Tom and her are to visit a counsellor. I have just dropped by to give some moral support and I am glad I am with her at this point.
It is Eleven O’clock and Tom has not arrived and we cannot trace him by phone. Megan is convinced Tom has walked out on her, but I want to give him the benefit of doubt. ‘Let us be patient. I am sure there is an explanation for this,’ I try to say, but she is clearly not reading from my script. ‘The problem with you is that you always insist on some invisible light, even when there is no single ray, and one is trotting in total darkness. Deep down, I knew Tom was not going to stay. He was just making those promises so that I could be at ease. See how he gave me false hopes,’ she said. I have never known Megan to be this pessimistic. She was always on top her game but anxiety and uncertainty have gripped her. This is exacerbated by the fact that her strongest pillar, Tom, seems to weaken. I manage to calm her down and ask why she thinks Tom has bolted. ‘Why do you judge him so harshly and too soon?’ I ask.
‘I have not seen or spoken to him in three days. None of his close friends know where he is and his workmates say he as not been at his office. I went to look for him in his apartment and his neighbour said he had not seen him for a while,’ she reveals. Try as I may, I cannot comprehend why Tom would do such a thing. Did he really give Megan false hope or the reality of her status scared the hell out of him? But then, even if he did not want anything more to do with her, could he not be a man enough to tell her?
‘Maybe we should cancel the appointment and think this through, ‘ I say but she is not listening. She is still trying to reach Tom by phone but still no success. She puts her phone down and stares at me blankly. ‘I think I am in this alone. I now join the statistics of those who have to shoulder HIV on their own after their loved ones have walked out on them,’ she says sounding shuttered. ‘No Megan. First, you cannot be sure that Tom has left, and until he confirms that, we cannot jump into conclusions. Second, I am here and there is a special group of people who will embrace you as part of their new family. You also have your own family and with time, you will have to let them know about your status,’ I try to calm her. ‘My parents will never know of this!’ She fights back and continues: ‘And you will say nothing to any of my family members. Is that clear?’ She tells me with such finality that I just nod. Maybe it was the wrong time to mention her parents.
‘I am sorry Megan. I just want to comfort you but right now, I don’t know how. Is there anything I can do?’ I ask.
‘You can attend the counselling session with me. I am not going to cancel it!’ she answers. Suddenly, I am tongue-tied, but I try my best not to show my shock. ‘Will you please go with me?’ She has this desperate look in her eyes that makes me say ‘Yes’ and for that, she gives me a huge hug. Did I mention that I love my new job? I quickly call the office and tell them I am off to my fieldwork. Today, I will get all the answers to the questions that have been nagging me. We have two hours to get to the Thika Road Counselling and Training Centre where we will be talking with Mrs. Edith Kaumbuthu.
One-on-one with the counsellor. Mrs. Kaumbuthu is a pleasant person and does not seem bothered that Megan and I are both women. When I was booking for the session, I had mentioned my friend and her fiancé but I am hoping she knows I am not the fiancé. She does not ask where the man is and I guess from her wisdom of counselling many people, she knows such scenarios happen. After introductions, we are ushered to a comfortable room and we are
served with some refreshments. She has the background of our case and so, we go straight to our questions. Before she answers any, she tells us that it would be good if Tom was in this session, but she promises to do her best to answer the questions. She tells Megan counselling would help her manage her emotions, but she would need medical interventions to manage the situation. I quickly conclude that we would not be able to ask very specific questions, especially those of medical nature.
Megan is the first to ask why she is HIV positive while her fiancé, who she has been having unprotected sex with, is not. ‘There are as many unknown factors as the known ones,’ Mrs. Kaumbuthu starts to explain the complexity of this subject. “Viral load that is the concentration of virus in one’s blood stream is one of the known factors. The higher the person’s viral load or concentration, the more likely the virus will be transmitted to the sex partner,’ she says and clarifies that viral load is only established through specialised testing. I am already wondering if Megan’s viral load was so high that it was detected quickly. Do not judge me harshly but could Tom’s viral load be negligible that the basic testing was not able to reveal much?
Well, this is not a question I am going to ask now. But I am curious to know more about viral load. I stare blankly at Megan who is still. I think she has started to heal emotionally. As I enjoy my friend’s strength, a text message beeps in my phone; and the sender is Tom.‘Tell Megan I am sorry. I am having a hard time dealing with this whole thing.’
I am not going to tell her anything. She does not need to be distracted now. Not when she has hope. And not when I know she is bitter that he disappeared. Maybe I will talk to him later. That is if he is reachable.
END: BL 44 / 40