Please dad, be there for me. It’s important

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, ‘You are tearing up the grass.’ ‘We’re not raising grass,’ dad would reply. ‘We’re raising boys.’ Harmon Killebrew, former American baseball star, now a philanthropist

Most mothers want their baby’s father involved in their child’s life right from conception. They want shared responsibility as far as possible. What is more, they want their child to have certain developmental essentials that they know only a positive male model can provide.

She dreams of seeing you, the father, feed the baby, burp him, rock him on your great shoulder and then put him down gently in his crib; all on your own. The first time you do that you will feel like Super dad, and feel more confident at the next chance. As you observe her as she watches you, you will both find that you can learn a lot from each other.

There is sufficient scientific research proving that child care is not exclusively a woman’s domain. In fact, it is not even a gift nor does it require special instincts or the presence of a particular set of hormones that engender a nurturing disposition.

It is a skill that develops naturally with practice, just like cooking, for instance.Whatever sixth sense a gourmet chef may claim about catering, you can bet that he came out giftless at birth, as he was naked! So, all that good nurturing asks for is one thing: Love. And we all know that love has the effect of making anyone gentle.

It therefore follows that those apparently good with kids had always been around kids, say through babysitting experiences, perhaps with younger siblings. Now your mission, should you accept it, will be on a road less travelled. Participant fatherhood has never been popular enough to have been an actual trend. You might be the only other man at the reception room during appointments with doctor, besides the janitor or the doctor himself. But I promise you on the authority of studies and testimonies of the African Fathers Initiative that his road you take will make all the difference.

Here are a few tips to get you started:

• Let your partner know that you want to be more involved: Communication is the arteries and veins of all relationships. Let your partner know that it is important for you to be acknowledged as an equal parent with her. Talk about what you can do.
• Be involved in decisions: Engage yourself in choosing names for your children, interviewing potential baby-sitters, deciding what TV shows they are allowed to watch and taking and picking them up from school. There is no small decision in your child’s life. Even when your wife asks, ‘Pink or blue?’ you will doubtless have a perspective.
• Interact with your kids: Slot time every day to be alone with your child. There is always something on your schedule that you can bump out to make room to take walks with him, help him with his homework, get down on the carpet next to him and watch cartoons together. Kill the habit of sending your child to his mother when he comes to you with a question or a desire to play.
• Wean boys into fatherhood: If you have older sons or nephews, allow them to baby-sit whenever it is required. Given such opportunities, they will grow up with enough baby IQ to take up fatherhood roles in future. This shall be your way of passing on the torch. The Global Symposium on Engaging Men and Boys in Gender Equality, which took place in 2009, and in which the African Fathers Initiative is involved, wrote as part of their declaration, ‘…Positive fatherhood therefore plays an important part in challenging the inter-generational transmission of damaging stereotypes and power relations. More commitment must be demonstrated to strengthening father roles and supporting men to realise their potential to facilitate their children’s attitudes and practices and, as men heal themselves from damaging and restrictive negative gender roles.’
• Learn from others: You can draw a lot from the experience of other dads who have had successful parenting. Meet with family men in your social circle and talk about kids. And do not be ashamed of browsing through women’s magazines, they usually have a lot of practical information on babies and general parenting.

Just one word of guidance. As a man, you already understand that a woman who has grown up dreaming of motherhood will not welcome a challenge to her as the primary caregiver. You would not be playing fair in vying for the child’s affection.

So, if the baby seems animated in your arms and bored in hers, if he won’t feed unless you are holding the bottle… well, you might want to look down at the red line you are standing on and step back from it. After all, your roles must be complementary, not competitive.

END: BL 40/42-43