Gentle Unfolding Chapter two

May 13th 2000 5.40pm
I finally enter the doctor’s room with Tony. I assure him that Tony is the father and can stay. He asks about our relationship, which I find uncomfortable. He wants to know whether we are married, how long we have known each other…the nitty gritties… I think he is intruding my privacy. Finally, he gives us the news. The HIV test turned out positive. There is a long silence. Very long. I look at Tony, he is looking down. The doctor lets us deal with our emotions; tears are streaming down my face. I want to scream. My feet are cold. My head is blank. I think I will die.

‘Thank God we did the test early enough, now your baby will be borne safe, and free of HIV. I’ll leave you two alone for a few minutes,’ he says putting some tissues on the table and leaves the room.

I think the room went dark or something but I remember waking up on the doctor’s check-up bed to find Tony and the doc standing beside me. ‘Sorry Grace, just relax all will be well. We are going to have a baby. That is that matters.’ I think it was Tony’s voice. I was still dizzy. I took a glass of water and finally had gathered enough strength to be up on my feet. We walk towards the car park in silence. Tony drives to his place. I don’t object.

May 14th
I need to talk to someone. I need to make a few confessions. I need to talk to my mum. What I’ve never shared is the fact that after I went for my test, I was advised to go for another one but I never honoured that appointment.

In fact I had decided to go for the test because my Ex had been admitted and rumour was all over the place that he was HIV positive. I never confirmed this rumour but he still looks the same years later. For this reason, I cannot confront Tony as I also live in a ‘glass house’.

I must admit I am shocked but calm. I read so much about this virus when I thought I had it that I know I will make it. Somehow I have to make it, and this baby, I must have it. I called in sick at the office today. Tomorrow I must go to work. I am still trying to find a ground in my new office. My boss thinks I am hardworking and dedicated to my duties. I never want her to change her mind about me.

Friday 15th May
I want to go back to my house. Problem is, I don’t have my car. Tony dropped me to the office from his house. But even if I had the car, I don’t think I’d drive myself safely. Since this HIV confirmation, I am so afraid of dying. I am always thinking I can die before I accomplish anything.

My boss spent most of her day in a seminar today so we only saw each other when I came in the morning. I stayed in my office the whole time. Thank God I am the supervisor in my department so when Boss is away, I automatically take over. Tony called me earlier on this afternoon. We didn’t talk much. He wanted us to go for lunch, I said No. He asked when he should pick me, I said I would let him know. Why do I feel this way about him? I don’t hate him but I just want him to keep his distance. For this reason I think I will spend the weekend at my mother’s place.

My mother just moved into what she calls her retirement home in Ruai, on the outskirts of Nairobi. We always joke that she no longer lives in Nairobi but in Ukambani. It is a nice four bedroom maisonette on a large compound. This was my dad’s dream home but he passed on 5 years ago leaving it unfinished. I am the last born and already out of home so she lives with my 6 year old nephew and niece. My sister’s twins.

Monday 18th May
I tried telling my mum about my pregnancy and HIV status but failed. Going to her place was good because now I feel ready to face my problems head on. I book an appointment with the doctor for this evening. Tony will come with me since he now knows everything.
At the back of my mind I still want him to say something about this HIV.

The doctor is more relaxed today. He takes us through the treatment plans. I have to do tests to determine my CD4 count (level of my immunity), and a viral load count (to determine the amount of viruses in my blood). Luckily the lab is still open so I have my blood sample taken. We pass by the supermarket to buy a few things for my house. We also make a stop at a baby shop and admire some baby stuff. I feel energized enough to make a meal and do some simple cleaning. When I was with my mother, she asked about Tony and said she was hoping we would soon get married. She loves him and the two even call each other without my consent.

Tuesday 19th May
Tony woke up earlier and prepared a full breakfast. Porridge, milk, eggs, fruits, toasted bread. He only does this on special occasions. As I finish my porridge, he moves closer to me, holds my hand and looks me in the eyes. I know he wants to ask me something serious. ‘Baby, I know this is difficult but please I would like you to consider us moving in together. Just think about it. I love you and I want this baby to be born in a real home. I am already looking for a bigger house. Please, give me the chance to make it right.’

I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation. Our communication has been limited to one word, a phrase at most since that fateful Wednesday. The day the doctor confirmed my HIV status. Did I hear him well; he says he wants to make it right. Is he confessing to something?

I just look at him, and unexpectedly, tears roll down my cheeks. Tears are my way of relieving stress. I gather up myself, finish my breakfast and we leave in our different cars. Finally the results are ready. I will pick them this evening. Whenever I have to go to the doctor’s I remember that I am HIV positive. This morning I saw a woman on the street looking so thin and frail. She was crossing the road probably to or from hospital. In her hand was a large envelope, written X ray. I wanted to stop and give her lift to wherever she was going, but the cars behind me were hooting so I just drove away. I can’t shake that image off my mind. Am I eventually going to end up looking like that?

Death never looked so real and near until I tested HIV positive. I decide to skip lunch and leave the office early. I meet Tony at the hospital parking and we decide to have tea at the canteen since the doctor is still an hour away. The first thing I notice as I enter the restaurant is cake and ripe bananas. Before this pregnancy, I hated bananas. They always left my tummy bloated. But now I have them with my meals! I’ll have three bananas, a piece of cake and fresh juice. What a combination!

We are finally in the doctor’s room. He kept us waiting for about two hours because apparently he had an emergency to attend to at the main hospital.
I get onto the examining table for the routine check ups. As he removes the gloves and washes his hands at the sink in the corner of the room, the doctor says to no one in particular, ‘Everything is well; I think we are about 12 to 14 weeks.

When we are both settled in our seats he pulls out the test results from an envelope on his desk.
‘The baby is doing well but now we have to keep it safe from the virus. What I mean is I will have to put you on drugs immediately to boost your immunity. Your CD4 is at 370, and your viral load is alarming.
The CD4 is not really bad but the viral load has to be countered…’ He goes on and on and on with Tony asking questions. What I hear is blah blah blah blah.

‘Is that fine with you honey?’ This wakes me up from dreamland.

END: BL35/17-18