Don’t just do everything

Seek help from others
Support systems are essential and as a mother, you need to fight the initial desire for isolation once the baby is born and lean on your system. As a mother, it can be overwhelming to behold and nurture a new life. Your baby has filled your world and you find that he is the centre of everything you do. You have also gone on to experience the isolation that motherhood seems to carry with it.

Before the baby, you were free to move around and connect with the world around you. When you come home with the new baby, you find that you are mostly exclusively at home. You don’t move around as much, especially in the early months.

This is the situation I found myself in. Suddenly, I couldn’t just leave the house at will. I had to stay put. I experienced loneliness and depression. I was overwhelmed by emotions caused by hormonal levels and lack of adequate sleep. I was afraid of this new responsibility and was insecure; doubting my ability to be a good mother.

But the hardest part was the realization that I really did not have anyone walking the journey with me day-to-day. Yes, friends and family came by and we had a great laugh but most did not understand just how much I needed them. My husband was there but he had work to do and truly did not understand what I needed.

I believe this is a symptom of our society today. In the past, in most communities, when you gave birth, your mother was there for you to lean on in the early months. There was a system in place to ensure a new mother was fed well and taught the necessary skills of motherhood. A mother was never left alone to fend for her newborn.

However, with today’s emphasis on the nuclear family, it is not uncommon to find a mother with little support or in some cases none at all. A mother is left to work out a system to try and support herself, her baby and her household. This, in most cases, is the cause of many teary breakdowns and depression when a mother finds the weight too heavy to bear.

So, what makes up a support system for those with newborns? A support system is defined as a group of people who are available to support one another emotionally, socially and sometimes financially. This system is made up of family, friends and peers.

Like in every area of our lives, it is important to surround ourselves with others who can walk with us through our journey of life. We need to know that we are not alone and that we have people we can turn to in case of anything. This is especially critical when one goes through life changes like motherhood.

According to Ms Wandia Maina, a consultant trainer and psychologist with Phoenix Training Solutions, a mother needs a support system because it provides her with the comfort in knowing that she has people who are there for her as she goes through the challenge of balancing multiple roles. These roles include raising children, being a wife, a friend, an employee or businesswoman, a sister and a daughter.

Support systems are essential and as a mother, you need to fight the initial desire for isolation once the baby is born and lean on your support system. It is essential to share with others what you need from them so that they can better understand where you are and help you. You will find yourself more able to face the challenges that motherhood will bring your way.

Support systems are important because they help to reduce stress and increase our general wellbeing. With the knowledge that we are not alone, we are able-to cope better with the changes we are experiencing. We also feel better equipped and our confidence is raised as we share with others.

‘Support systems are essential because they give a mother a sense of belonging, knowing that she has people she can rely on and relate to. They also give her an increased sense of self-worth and emotional security,’ says Ms Maina.

We thrive when we are supported. We were created to rely on each other. Motherhood is an overwhelming experience that calls for one to juggle multiple roles. With the continuity and mundane nature of the early days of motherhood, it is easy for a woman to lose her identity and sense of worth.

It is easy to become so involved in caring for the baby and partner that you are unable to see yourself as an individual, separate from your children and husband. Support systems help us keep a grip on who we are and keep us grounded in our separate entities.

So, what happens when we lack adequate support systems? ‘Without them, a mother is likely to get overwhelmed by her role as a mother and wife, forgetting what her passions, values and dreams are,’ says Ms Maina.

According to the psychologist, the long-term effect of this is intense feelings of loneliness, dejection, withdrawal and depression. A mother becomes more isolated and continues to battle with feelings of inadequacy. This in turn keeps her away from getting back to her life and may cost her fulfillment.

Therefore, it is essential for a mother to guard herself jealously. Do not let the overwhelming nature of motherhood submerge you and keep you from being who you want to be. Motherhood is meant to be a joy and not a prison.

Ensure that you have the right kind of people around you. Learn to let go of those who cannot contribute to your life changes and embrace new and relevant relationships. You will thrive and be a better mother as you ensure you take care of yourself and your needs.”

We need others to become stronger at who we are. So, instead of locking yourself away with your new baby, make sure you take time to cultivate your relationships and reap from them what you need to find true fulfillment as a mother.

END: BL 43/20-21