I THOUGHT IT WAS ATTEMPTED RAPE — But I Got Pregnant

Do you believe it when someone tells you she got pregnant from rape? You probably look out for any visible scars, broken limbs and ask the obvious. ‘Why didn’t she go to the police, if it is really true?’

When Marion (real name withheld) narrated her story to Pregnant magazine, there were endless questions for her. As the story unfolded, there were more ifs and buts and whys.

I wanted her to understand my curiosity without feeling I doubted her story

“At times I felt like I was crucifying her,” says Emma, who interviewed Marion. Emma probed, going back and forth, to understand one thing: how Marion could have gotten pregnant without “real” rape. Emma wondered why Marion made it so easy for a man to get into her bedroom when she could have avoided it. “At the same time,” explains Emma, “I wanted her to understand my curiosity without feeling I doubted her story about being pregnant from rape”. I asked her, ‘Did you think about an abortion? Did you wish for a miscarriage? Do you hate the father of the baby? Will you ever tell your child the circumstances of her birth?’…and so on.”

‘In the end.’ observes Emma, ‘if anyone claims she got pregnant from rape — especially when the rape has no witness other than the rapist and the victim — it requires a high level of understanding and compassion. It is especially difficult for a victim who claims that the rapist did not penetrate’.

Marion says she received counselling from Crisis Pregnancy Ministries, hence her apparent strength and courage to talk about her experience. She acknowledges her mistakes, but has learned not to take the blame of the rapist.

They had known each other for years

On that fateful day when it happened, on 15th October 2005, Marion opened the door of her residence to a visitor, a man she describes as a close family friend. It was 9 p.m., but not the first time for him to visit her at such an hour. They had known each other for years, and even though he had occasionally made affectionate advances, she had made it clear that she was not in a position to have a relationship with him. ‘He was just a casual friend,’ she says.

So what were they doing together, in her house, past nine in the night?

‘He had helped me get a place to live in.’ In return she felt obliged to assist him with some personal issues he had. That drew them closer. It led him to believe they that they shared more than friendship; and he made it clear that he wanted her to be his wife. Her effort to assist him on his personal issues created his false impression that she haboured an interest in him.

Given their long period of familiarity, she never considered him a threat. He would come to check in on her. ‘I was jobless and he was aware of that,” says Marion, “So he would come with groceries…” She accepted the gifts. ‘Why should I say no to foodstuff when I did not know where the next meal would come from?” Her acceptance of his gifts was however unconditional.

On this day, however, Marion made her friend unhappy. She narrates that her cell phone was faulty and she wanted to check whether she had any messages. “I borrowed his phone and left him fit in my SIM card in his cell phone, while I checked on some food that I was preparing.”

He inserted Marion’s SIM card into his cell phone and secretly went through her stored messages. “I was going out with someone,” she reveals. “He got to read all the messages that my boyfriend had sent.”

She had never made it clear to him that she was in a relationship

He realised that Marion had someone in her life. “That is when he got mad and he started threatening me. He told me that I would either get married to him or have his baby. To me that was a big joke, and I was like — duh!”

Marion says that friendship aside, there was a big gap between them, where relationships were concerned. And she told him as much. “Your way of life, targets, goals, are so different from my own.” She made him aware of her belief that they were not compatible. He got nasty when she differed. “He said in Kiswahili: ‘nitakuharibu sura…’ [I will destroy your looks)…’so that no man will look at you twice’.”

Why then did she not kick him out of her house?

“I underrated him. I was confident about myself.” She was a mature woman, twenty nine years old. She was also a staunch Christian. Therefore Marion believed no harm could befall her. “I thought his were empty threats, not different from those of other men who intimidate women”.

To avoid fuelling the quarrel, Marion left and went into her bedroom. “I lay on the bed. It did not occur to me that he would follow me there.’ He came into the bedroom and onto her bed. A struggle started. “He wanted to have sex with me forcefully. He knew I would not allow him. I had abstained from sex all my life, preserving my virginity — and I planned to keep it that way till marriage.”

Why not scream, cry out for help? Just scream!

She was in shock. “Instead of screaming I got a chill.” She could not find her voice. “Just scared! I was trying to fight him believing I could overcome or deter him.” He pressed onto her. All of a sudden a sharp scream left her lips. He backed off quickly. She was sure he did not succeed in achieving a penetration. ‘I was crying…’ He left.

Did she report the incident to the police?

“No, I didn’t report the case to the police because I viewed it as an attempted rape.’ says Marion. “I counted myself lucky, because he didn’t penetrate. I thought, ‘it’s my lucky day.”

Marion became distressed and scared. She relocated temporarily to another town where she stayed at a girlfriend’s house. Soon, she was thrown into confusion by symptoms that made her suspect that she might have typhoid.

A visit to the hospital with nausea and dizziness, led the doctor to suggest that Marion could be pregnant. ’I laughed and I told him that was a big joke!”

However, a urine test confirmed that she was two months pregnant, which sent her into shock, depression and misery. “I was in instant darkness.” Nothing was clear about her life anymore.

“I really got the shock of my life, and I never said a word: I didn’t know what to say. I was actually shaking. The doctor tried to comfort me, but what I actually wanted was for him to explain to me how that could have happened!”

Did she test for HIV?

“My greatest fear was taking a HIV test. I had heard of cases of people being raped and getting infected at the same time. I would think about him and ask myself, ‘Could he be positive? Maybe he is: I think he is.’ I was really scared! I thank God because the result was negative.”

Did she deliver the baby?

“I kept hoping that I would get a miscarriage. When the doctor said I might miscarry due to depression, I wanted that to happen. I wanted nothing to do with the baby: I did not want to be a single mother. If I got a miscarriage no one would accuse me of abortion. I thought to myself, there are people who really want a baby but miscarry, yet here I am wishing the baby away. Anyway, I did not miscarry. I asked God, ‘Do you really want me to have this baby? Can’t you protect me by letting this baby just come out by itself?’ At times I overworked myself, hoping it would happen.”

“Today, though, I really thank God that it never happened. The baby came at week 42 in July 2006 through a natural delivery. She weighed 2.7 kilograms. I did not have the cash, but fortunately Crisis Pregnancy Ministries and the hospital split the cost between them. I was worried about the responsibility of bringing up a child alone, as I did not have a job then.”

Why didn’t she abort?

“I am really against abortion. As a Christian I know that to be murder. Secondly, the baby is innocent. She should not suffer for someone else’s mistake. Thirdly, I would actually prefer giving the baby up for adoption. Fourth, it is a danger to my health. I may lose my life, the very life I would be trying to protect by aborting. Abortion never crossed my mind, at any one point.”

How did her assailant react to her pregnancy?

A major complication was that his family is close to Marion’s. He did not see what the big fuss was all about, neither did his family, who suggested the best solution would be for them to get married. “He said, ‘If you are pregnant it is okay…I am so happy!'”

Did she eventually sue the ‘rapist’?

If I had a pistol I would have shot him. I was praying that something would happen to him, so that he realises he did something wrong. Instead of suing him, something strange happened: she gradually developed mixed feelings. I felt that if I was so negative about him, what would happen if the baby resembled him?”

“While pregnant I was rejected by family and friends. I did not want my baby to experience the same kind of rejection.” So she worked on her negative attitude towards him. “I forgave him. It was not easy, but I think that is one thing that has helped me to put up with and love my baby. Sometimes I feel things should not be the way they are, but I try not to let any anger take control of me.”

Will she tell her baby about the father?

“She has some resemblance of him! I plan to tell her, but only when she is old enough to handle the truth.”

What did her boyfriend say about her pregnancy?

She did not call him to inform him of her ordeal. He called me and said. “I heard about the bad news.” He said he could not face what had happened and could not imagine me having a baby. He had learned about it from third parties. “He said everything was ruined. I cannot say whether the relationship is on or off as we did not part formally. I think it is up to him to decide, because now I cannot part with my baby.”

Do people believe her story?

“Not many did. My family blamed me for ‘putting’ myself in that position. In the end. I went to Crisis Pregnancy Ministries where I had decided to give the baby up for adoption once born. I was counselled and given all the options, pros and cons. Finally I decided to keep the baby. It’s a very heavy issue to talk about, but I am trying to come to terms with it: let me say I am catching up a lot. I know before long things will be okay.”

Marion was raped on 15 October 2005. In July 2006 she gave birth to a baby girl. She narrated this story to Pregnant Magazine in January 2007.

Read “Pregnant without penetration — medical opinion” HERE

END: PG 05/16-18

1 Comment

  1. Disgusted on November 26, 2017 at 3:35 pm

    WOW. Firstly, When a woman tells you that she’s been raped you don’t believe it unless you see visible scars or broken bones? Then you commence a line of (quite frankly irrelevant and invading) questioning that places blame on the victim?

    This is either a fake story or some spiteful gaslighting of a traumatized woman; who by her own admission was forced into sex she did not consent to and abandoned by her worthless family and friends as a result of keeping the pregnancy into admitting that she was to blame for being so “easy” to rape.

    This article and people who support this school of thought are supporting abortion. By blaming victims and not perpetrators of assault, rapists can act freely without legal or social repercussions. Women are left alone, stigmatized without options except for termination and garbage agencies like yours who prey on their trauma to advance their political agenda.

    What could this poor woman have possibly said to convince you of her innocence; that she was raped on her way to Church on Sunday Morning? That she was raped as a child or carrying her grandfather’s child? I’m certain that you would’ve still accused her of “asking for it” somehow. Since it’s evident that you don’t believe in rape unless a legal sentence is passed if at all.

    And yet, it somehow escapes you why a recently traumatized, pregnant and terrified woman who had been abandoned and shamed by everyone she knew might not feel as if she would be believed by police??

    The fact that she said that she was keeping the baby and you STILL felt the need to put her on trial in your article (as if you had any right) just so she could be good and well sure that she should blame herself for being violated by this man is incredibly cruel. And just proves what a trash organization and mindset you belong to.

    You say you love babies but it’s clear that you just hate women.

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