Bahati’s struggle to wed pure

‘Here comes the bride… see how she smiles…’, was the song Gideon Gatere presented to his lovely bride, Bahati Mbaruku, as she strutted down the aisle. To say Bahati was thrilled is an understatement; she was ecstatic. As she walked slowly to the front of the church with her parents on either side, she couldn’t love Gideon more!

But it was not as smooth a walk down the aisle as it appeared. Bahati, a staunch Christian and gospel singer was five months pregnant!

She narrates her experience to Emma Odaba, revealing how she fell into the trap, and wedded while pregnant.

I am feeling condemned

We had a beautiful evening wedding, perfect in terms of the decor and all that. We had our dream wedding but not in the place we had planned, nor the time, nor in the way we had planned.

So the ceremony begins, and I march in. Okay, not actually marching, but I walk with my parents on either side. I see Giddy singing to me while playing a guitar, and my heart melts! I take my time as I try to take in all that is happening. Oh my God, it’s my wedding!

I feel awkward. I am feeling condemned even though I don’t know who is accusing me. No one has told me to my face, but as they say, actions speak louder than words. I was being judged by my own standards.

Four years of dating and temptation

Meeting my husband at Daystar University was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. For more than four years of dating, Gideon and I had a very deep relationship; we were good friends. We were together in ministry serving God, which brought us even closer to each other. Our courtship did not interfere with our studies, and we completed our university education and passed our exams. Emotionally, physically, spiritually and intellectually Gideon was good for me. Our greatest weakness was indeed our physical relationship. We were struggling to keep pure, and to please God when it came to our bodies. At some point we’d be wondering if I was pregnant that month or not, because of the things we were doing. We did not cross the boundary, we did not have sex but we did crazy things with our bodies which were sinful. You really need to be disciplined as a couple to fight that and ask God to give you the spirit of self-control. As much as we wanted this control it was our area of deep weakness.

My life, my testimony and upbringing were based on chastity and purity

I got saved when I was 13 years and have been a believer since. I was on the frontline of being pure and abstaining until marriage. My life, my testimony and upbringing were based on chastity and purity, that’s all I knew. I have sung in choirs since my formative years, and while in high school, I was the vice-chairlady of the Christian Union. We also had a singing group of which I was the leader. After completing high school I joined Youth for Christ, which is a ministry for youth. At that time we were having a campaign with the theme ‘True Love Waits’, and we wrote and performed songs to help the youth realise purity. I was also a singer and church member of the Nairobi International Christian Centre, on Mombasa Road. While in Daystar University, I was awarded the Vice-Chancellors’ Award for Leadership, a very special honour. My relationship with Gideon got well established and we had many things in common: our education, our spiritual lives and also the fact that we were members of a gospel musical group, called Sing Africa.

Giddy had dated a friend of mine

I was studying mass communication when Gideon and I met. I was in my first year and he was a third year student. Giddy, as he is commonly known, had dated a friend of mine. They broke up a year before we met. The break-up, though hurtful, was civil. My idea was to get them back together. But as fortune would have it Giddy and I fell in love as I was trying to help them “fix” their relationship. When she found out she said, ‘You didn’t tell me you were going out with Giddy!’ I explained, ‘I did not know how you would react.’ She found her sweetheart, got married, and we have a good relationship; her husband is a pastor!

Things got out of hand

During our fourth year of courting we got engaged on my birthday. I was then 23 years old. I left soon thereafter to work in the UK. This was our breakthrough, an opening that would separate us so we could re-build our purity. We considered it a gift from God to sustain our chastity since His mercy and His grace were still with us, as we had not had sex over the four years.

But we didn’t last. I was there for some months and while we were sorting out a problem in our relationship Christmas time came. It was cold in the UK and I wanted to come back home for just a short holiday, say about two weeks. During those two weeks in December things got a bit out of hand. This time Giddy and I forgot all that we had been taught about self-control and crossed that line. I think the distance didn’t do us any good! Before I realised what was going on I was back in Britain and I missed my period. I prayed and hoped it was the weather change.

For a whole week I tried to psyche myself to go for a pregnancy test. Eventually I went to a clinic which was for under 24’s and there a lady assisted me get a test. In Britain women below 24 years of age can attend free clinics where one can be tested and advised. When she confirmed I was pregnant I was shocked and in total disbelief. I was depressed!

The lady offered the option of abortion

I had been very critical of women walking down the aisle with big stomachs and white dresses. My attitude was harsh: I would think, ‘Excuse me, but who are you faking for?’ Now the same thing was happening to me. I was crushed, really crushed! I even told the lady she was lying. The test result could not be, I could not be pregnant—I was due to wed in the next few months; God would never let such a thing happen to me!

I was offered the option of abortion by the lady, but that I declined flatly as I believe that is murder.

Our desire to keep our heads high was destroyed in just a matter of seconds during that one occasion we made the decision to sin. At the end of it 1 guess the baby in my womb became my deliverance because everybody knew we had a problem. I could not say, ‘I’ve not had sex for real.’ God was using that to show me how wrong I was to try and hide my lie. With this pregnancy we were brought to the light. The bible states. ‘If you do not confess your sin it will be shouted from the roof tops.’ So there it was on the roof tops.

I told Gideon I was pregnant

When I told Gideon I was pregnant he was very calm; he was of course as frustrated as I was and depressed that it had actually happened, but he was very supportive. He did not show any anxiety. Instead he went and told our pastors and his parents too.

When I returned to Kenya, I was terrified about breaking the news to my parents and I did not look forward to it. I was scared because I thought I was a disappointment to them and I did not know how they would react. Gideon and I prayed about it and then one day while sitting with Mum watching TV I told her, ‘Mum, by the way I am expecting.’ It had to happen since the baby was there! It was just a question of when I was going to say it. She reacted, ‘Oh! Congratulations.’ I thought to myself, ‘What?!’ She continued, ‘Okay, when is the wedding?’ I almost dropped off the seat and wondered why I had taken so long to tell her. But it was the power of prayer as she did not criticise or judge me. I guess through wisdom garnered from her own life. Mum knew how to guide me. She knew that Gideon and I were engaged and had been organising our wedding.

Dad is not a born again Christian

I had always wanted to be an example to my small sisters. Dad is not a born again Christian, and I wanted to shine the light on him in a certain way that I had planned. I felt I had disappointed them all. So I think I had a lot of remorse in me, a lot of heaviness. Mum dealt with Dad and I did not have to tell him. Even now that l am pregnant with my third baby I have not told him; he just sees the stomach growing! He is not judgemental and is very loving.

Disciplinary action was meted on us

We confessed before our pastors again, and disciplinary action was meted on us; we were sent out of ministry for a period of one year. That measure was to enable us to get our conscience back, and to allow the Holy Spirit to work in us in a fresh way. It really helped because this was my first pregnancy and we needed a lot of time to be alone together, to review what had happened over the four years we courted.

We had already set our wedding date for September but when I got pregnant, we brought it forward to May. We wanted to be married; there was no reason to stay apart until September when the baby was due. We had already finished our dowry negotiations and were already engaged. We loved each other, so why stay apart? It would have led to more sin.

Convenience wedding gown

On the morning of the wedding, I woke up feeling a bit apprehensive. I realised how big my tummy looked. I exclaimed, ‘Gosh, where did that stomach come from!’ It was as if the baby was showing off: ‘I am here, you are not hiding me!’

I switched on the radio and a very nice gospel song played that calmed my spirit. My wedding dress was not ready so I took a trip to town and literally camped at the tailor’s. My tailor was good, but very slow. This is something that would have made many brides panic, but not me. In fact, I even managed a peaceful nap as she continued to sew. I made a convenience wedding gown, one that held the top and let go of the stomach in case I expanded, which I did in the end. I chose an off-white dress because purity is on the inside of a person and not determined by the colour of the dress. It was humbling, very humbling because I had the dream of being the excellent bride with the perfect figure—you should have seen the outfit I had chosen while in Britain. I would tell myself, ‘When Gideon sees this he is going to be impressed.’ There was a price to that perfect wedding and I did not pay the price, which was to remain pure and to wait. When I had my bridal shower I felt so unworthy because I thought a bridal shower is supposed to teach you about sex, and all those things which I seemingly had already experienced. My friends were great though.

The bridal party

As I go home to wait for the bridal party, one of my bridesmaids calls and tells me that her boss has refused to release her from work early. After some time, another one calls and tells me that she is stuck in Athi River. As if that is not enough, the hairdresser fails to show up to make my hair. Finally my bridesmaids arrive, all dolled up and I feel like the ugly duckling. They are so busy making themselves up that no one notices I am not made up. Fortunately, the make-up lady arrives and gets on to do what they do best. I end up doing my hair by myself, of course nothing fancy, but something passable.

‘God will make all things new’

Before we know, it is 3.00 p.m. and we have to start heading to church. We arrive at around 4.00 p.m. and wait for my parents. As we are waiting, my pastor comes to the car to give me some words of encouragement. He tells me, ‘God will make all thing new.’ This helps lift me up.

My parents arrive and they walk me into the church. During the ceremony. Dad and Mum are about to hand me over to Giddy, but hey wait—not so fast! As they shake hands Dad grabs this opportunity to give Giddy ‘some last-minute advice’. He is holding Giddy’s hand and talking animatedly. They stay like this for some minutes until those in the church start murmuring. Then Dad releases Giddy’s hand and smiles. Phew!

Then another surprise. My mum-in-law has something to say too. She told the church the truth about her feelings. ‘I did not think Gideon and Bahati would fall, seeing the testimony they had shown me these past four years, and I felt very disappointed.’ But today I have seen that they have truly repented and their child is blessed.’ I did not have any inkling about these feelings; all those times we had met she never once gave me that look of ‘Huh!’

He told the congregated openly that I was expecting.

We had requested our pastor not to hide our sin, not to make it look like I am just wearing a wedding gown and I am pregnant and hush, hush. We had said, ‘Pastor, please talk about this.

After we had exchanged our vows and before the sermon was delivered, the Pastor called Giddy and I to the pulpit. He told the congregated openly that I was expecting. At that time, I felt like I was being crucified and wished the ground would just open and swallow me! He did not spare us—after all, we were worship leaders. He was not condemning us but he used our case as an example of people who do things in the dark. Those things will come out in the light! He encouraged us and used the occasion to teach about grace and repentance too.

Giddy and l still had enough courage and sang a love-song to each other. This was  the  climax of the wedding as it brought the congregation to tears. That is when we believed that love conquers all. We were crying because we had seen God’s grace, mercy and love and His ability to restore us when we were so broken. We saw God’s ability to start, a new thing in our lives. It was overwhelming.

Would I advise other couples in our situation to do the same?

All I can say is that they should not get married because they are expecting a baby. But if they planned to marry and they love each other, then why not people  should avoid dating for too long as it leads to temptation and sin. If you have sexual self-control problems, then you should get married to avoid falling into more sin. Babies should not be the foundation of a marriage; it takes more than a baby to hold a marriage together.

The things I had thought about marriage were more glamorous than the reality I was facing. In my plans elegance was in the wedding gown; after my wedding I would review the glamour—how did the music come out?, did I walk well?, were my face and my hair done well? I think if I were to do it again now with the experience I have, l would tell others that the most important contributor to a beautiful wedding is the relationship you have with your spouse-to-be. Is the foundation good? Does the marriage have a purpose? Where are we going? What decisions are we making and are they the right ones? What is important to us as a couple? I wouldn’t fuss about glamour as much as I did then.

We ended up’ with a ‘Plan B’ wedding!

While courting, we had ideas of what our ideal wedding would be. We had planned to save for a year to have that glamorous and flashy wedding. Giddy and I wanted to show-off to our friends what love and money can do, but instead we got crucified on our wedding day! We still had ideas of having a Friday evening wedding at Splash, cocktails then a pool-side dinner and after-party at the same venue. But all those were just plans. We ended up with a ‘Plan B’ wedding! But it ended up being the best wedding ever; ‘B’ is for ‘best!’

It’s like a scar on our lives for ever.

Getting married when pregnant is a stigma I have to live with for the rest of my life. Of course you repent but it’s like a scar on our lives for ever. There is no time I stand up to give my testimony and not tell people that I fell, and reveal my imperfection. The fact that our son was born a few months after our wedding is proof by itself—and will always be. We got married in May and in September he was born. We’ll live with it, though we do not live with guilt, that’s different. Guilt makes you beat yourself. We’ll never be able to stand up and say. ‘You can do it because we did.’ No, no. We didn’t make it. Our only encouragement is, ‘Be strong so you do not fall like we did. We can see where you are heading, because we were there! You’ve got to fight and fight to the end, because we fought but didn’t reach the end.’ That’s how we challenge the young people.

We named our baby boy Nezar, from Ebenezer, meaning, ‘This far the Lord has brought us’; the Lord has been our deliverer.

END: PG4/8-10