Hail Motherhood
My mother visited us last week and brought with her dried meat, whole maize meal flour, traditional vegetables and groundnuts. During her stay, being the great cook that she is, she often found her way to the kitchen to prepare delightful meals. One may say that this is expected ‘motherhood’ behavior and I agree. However, what moved me during this visit was her concern for one of my siblings who had not been in touch with the family in a long time.
My mother did not merely sit around and talk about it; she picked up her phone and secured a meeting with him the next day. By the end of their meeting she had convinced him about reviewing his life choices. This incident tugged at my heart, affirming to me that a mother will always want the best for her children. ‘
I know there are many of us, especially women, who still struggle relating with their mothers. Some of us have grown with over-critical mothers while others have suffered rejection and neglect from their mothers. As a result, some of us walk around with feelings of inadequacy, pain, rejection, anger and fear. And despite our seemingly successful lives we do feel the emptiness that grips our hearts each time we think about our mothers. For some of us our mothers represent poverty and shame and we have systematically cut off links, choosing to relate with other women who in our view are the perfect picture of motherhood. There are those of us whose mothers were single or divorced or were involved with multiple partners, and we bear this shame within our hearts. As a result we have never wanted to publicly or emotionally identify with them.
On the other hand, there are those of us who have had such meaningful relationships with our mothers. As a result, our mothers are not mere authority figures, but have over the years been transformed into allies who listen, pray, laugh and cry with us. Despite the occasional moments of friction, we have always been able to rise above the circumstances, and continued to enjoy the blessedness of having our mothers by our side.
As I write this I do not know which category you fall in -the one with a strained relationship or the one with an enriching relationship. If as a mother-to-be you are still struggling with the relationship with your mother, I would like to urge you to reach out to her. You are soon going to be a mother and the gift of grandmother-hood to your mother is really special.
It may seem like an uphill task but once you start, with grace and wisdom, it does become easier. William G. DeFoore, a counselor, author and speaker states in his article Building Healthy Boundaries: How to Create Healthy, Lasting Fulfilling Relationships; there are three concentric circles in building healthy relationships.
These circles include commitment to self, commitment to a role and commitment to the relationship. Commitment to yourself demands that you work towards building a healthy self-image by getting rid of unnecessary baggage. This is what is at the centre of who we really are as human beings.
Commitment to a role indicates the importance of personal responsibility in ensuring healthy relationships with significant others in your life. You can no longer go around blaming others for life’s failures and disappointments. You ought to reflect on your role in the relationship and how that role can be molded towards ensuring a healthy relationship with others. Commitment to the relationship calls you to take into consideration the other person’s thoughts, feelings and needs.
An understanding of the three circles enables us to define our relationship boundaries and, in this particular case, begin to cultivate healthy relationships with our mothers. Having a meaningful relationship with our mothers gives us the liberty to allow our mothers the space and the joy to be part of our pregnancy and our baby’s life. This will in turn enable the pregnant you to reconnect with your mother at a newer level even as you both bask in shared love and attention.
Reconnection will involve the process of forgiveness which is a gift that sets us on a journey of self exploration, acceptance and healing. This process is especially important for the little one growing within you, who will need an environment free of anger and bitterness, in order to The significance of rich relationships with our mothers cannot be over-emphasized. Let this remind you of how special your mother has made you feel; and how she has gracefully and selflessly imparted knowledge and wisdom in your life. She has been instrumental in shaping aspects of your identity that you cannot ignore-even if it did not happen in the way you wanted it to. It will be worthwhile for you to set aside some special activities that you could do with her during this month, such as, accompanying you to your next ante-natal appointment, or shopping baby clothes, or just having her tell you stories about her side of being a mother.
Unlike years gone past, this year on Mother’s Day, I resolved to think about my mother in a very special way. The reason is simple. I am her daughter, and have been witness to her strengths, weaknesses, dreams, hopes, disappointments and faith.
I marvel at her ability to get in touch with each of her six children, and her never-ending commitment to each one of us. She has loved, listened, reached out, motivated, rebuked, taught and counseled us and in turn provided us with sure footing for the days ahead. She knows our body sizes (even when they fluctuate), knows our passions and our personalities in a way that only a mother should.
I got a suitable gift which I gave her: a 32-paged book by Maya Angelou titled Mother: A Cradle to Hold Me (2006). This gift can never fully express the gratitude and the honor I have for my mother; but as one who loves to read and write, I want her to be part of my literary world. As you celebrated Mother’s Day this year, I hope you made it special; not just for yourself as a mother or as a mother-to-be, but hail all the mothers around you-of course starting with yours!
The writer is a member of the Trauma Counsellors’ Network (Kenya). She is also a psychological counselor and mentor by profession. and has a Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology from The United States International University (Africa).
END: PG 23 /12-13