Flowers and Love. Jeremiah and Jane Kaibiria’s approach to parenting
‘I had girls come to me with very deep and hurting issues. Others, unable to talk about the issues, would act out. An otherwise humble girl would turn to be very rebellious.’
‘I had told my children long time ago that unlike us, older people who came from big families with many siblings, they only had each other so they were better of getting along and loving one another, says Mrs Jane Kaibiria, a teacher. Jane is the principal of Elerai MCK (Methodist Church of Kenya) Girls Secondary School, Kibini in Kajiado County, a counsellor by profession, a wife and a mother.
‘I thank God they love and look out for one another. She says of Michael, her son ‘Whenever his sister came home from boarding school—when she was in high school—he would have flowers set on the table at supper that evening. I encouraged him, but soon he did it on his own volition. We still put flowers on the dinner table when one of us is home after being away for a while,’ she says with a smile.
Some say that experience is life’s best teacher That is to say that we stumble along as we learn As far as parenting and dealing with issues of today’s young people is concerned, none can speak with a clearer voice than Jane
‘As a mother and a teacher, a school principal at that, I have authority over many young lives. I have discovered that our generation has tended to let these youth down in several ways,’ says Jane when we meet for the interview in a Nairobi restaurant. Our interview centers on her being a teacher and a parent. I am curious about how her dealing with youth in school has influenced how she deals with her own children.
That she is a teacher is telling from her demeanor. She is not boring or harsh. She just possesses an authority about her. Her manner of speaking is slow and deliberate as if seeking to connect with her audience. In that, one can see the parent in her, calmly counseling her child.
Monkey see, monkey do
‘From my experience of dealing with youth, I have found the best thing we can give them is ourselves. Some of us know that, so we try to merge our fun with that of our children. But, if I can advise new parents, do not fall into that trap,’ Jane says.
The trap Jane is referring to is the tendency by parents to go with their children to entertainment joints as a way of spending time with them.
The parents then proceed to indulge in alcohol as the children amuse themselves at a place set aside by these joints for the children The result of this according to Jane is the old adage, ’monkey see, monkey do’.
‘It is no wonder our children have taken to alcohol and drugs in the way they have. We should take our children to places where they are fully welcome, not merely tolerated.’
Jane, who holds a Master of Arts (MA) Degree in Counseling Psychology from Daystar University says. ‘In some cases, it is not our (the parents) fault but a result of the development in society. For instance, In my days as a young girl, many of us witnessed domestic violence. But this did not affect us very much,’ she explains, ‘It was part of life and we took It as such. Somewhere along the way the child was empowered, which is not a bad thing And because of that, today’s children are so aware of rights that they know a father should not be hitting the mother. Children also know that such violence threatens their own safety and well being. I have also found that children fear very much that this kind of violence may become fatal if left unchecked.’
Deep and hurting issues
Jane says the need to help today’s child is what drove her back to school to study counseling and psychology.
‘I had girls come to me with very deep and hurting issues. Others, unable to talk about the issues, would act out.
An otherwise humble girl would turn to be very rebellious. To the untrained eye, this wound be a naughty child who Simply deserved punishment, but something told me there was more to it,’ says Jane, who taught English for 18 years at Kaaga Girls High School in Meru.
Not perfect myself
Jane confesses that she and her husband have struggled to make time for their two children, Risper Mukiri 26, and Michael Mworia 22.
‘Back when I was teaching at Kaaga, the family lived there. But my husband, Jeremiah Kaibiria, worked in Nairobi, so he would only be home over the weekend. We had to make do with the time he was available to bond. Since we moved to Nairobi, tables have turned and I am the one who is away during the week as my school is in Kajiado. Again, we make time for each other over weekends. Although the mobile phone makes communication easier somewhat,’ Jane says.
Making them responsible
‘Another thing my husband and I did early on was stop having live-in house helps. This we felt would help our children learn responsibility. We had a designated place for the house key. when the children came home from school they would let themselves in, make a snack, do their homework and shower before I got home. This arrangement was not perfect. Children being ‘who they are would sometimes squander their time playing, but for the most part, it worked,’ says Jane.
As a result of Jane’s experiences and lessons that she has picked along the way as a teacher, parent and counseling and psychology student, Jane has authored two books. So she can add the feather of ‘published author’ to her cap. The first book she published is titled, ‘Bringing Up Your Child’, in 2008. The second one was done last year and is titled ‘Success in High School and Beyond’.
‘I am very interested in the well being of the children from birth to adulthood. I am particularly interested in the ages where the children are grappling to understand themselves and their environment Which is what I seek to discuss in my writing and in speaking engagements whenever I am invited somewhere to speak,’ says Jane, who is actually soft spoken but so articulate one can see why she is a teacher and a teacher of English in particular. One interesting characteristic about her is she scribbles as she speaks. This means that even as one interviews her, they may sit back and listen and then use her notes for the story later!
‘To young parents I say, parenting is a process. You will have successes and failures. The trick is to correct a wrong immediately you see it so that it does not get entrenched. Teach your children values. I am a Christian and I hove taught my children values based on Christianity. Accept your children, warts and all and do not ‘over compare’ them. They are individuals as much as they are born of the same parents. Finally, always assure them they have a home and love in that home. As they go (to school or wherever else) send them off with ‘I love you’, or however else you know, but assure them,’ are Jane’s pearls of wisdom from 26 years of parenting and being a teacher for 25 of those—a wealth of experience by any measure.
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