Finding and experiencing love, trust and intimacy with dad
As I sat in the counseling room listening to the heart-rending story of the nineteen year old girl, I could not help but feel anger rise up within me. She was six weeks pregnant with her father’s baby and she did not know what to do. Should she abort? Would those around her understand the reason for her choice or would they condemn her, further isolating her? She finally opted to carry the baby to term and then give him or her up for adoption.
As I sat through our session. I was overcome by my personal thoughts and feelings and yet I steadied myself and provided the warm and empathetic environment she so much, needed. Needless to say, I walked with my client each week, both of us experiencing emotions that can only be best understood by those who have found themselves in such a precarious situation. One night at 11pm, I received a phone call from her: She had miscarried at seventeen weeks. I am not sure whether I breathed a sigh of relief or not: all I knew is that what had seemed like a routine counselling session had transformed me in a way I never expected. I begun to appreciate the gift of a father in my life. I could no longer take the blessing of a loving, caring and supportive father for granted. I know I have stirred within the hearts of countless women and men unspoken pain and anguish meted out on them by their fathers. Thoughts of our fathers are clouded with lack of love, trust and intimacy since all we can think of is the absent father, the abusive father, the workaholic father, the passive father, the alcoholic father, or the perfectionist father.
Our excitement at bringing a new-born into this world is curtailed by feelings of either apprehension or inadequacy. As a woman who may have grown up with any type of father mentioned below, you are silently praying that your partner will not confirm your worst fears. As a man looking forward to being a father, you may be uncertain about your ability to be a great dad to your unborn baby.
Robert S. McGee in his book Father Hunger (1993) states. ‘In the hearts of many men and women is a hollow place, longing for the blessing that only a father can give.’ So what blessings can a father give? The blessing of being a role model and leaving a rich legacy for his children. Fathers can teach their children behavioral traits that will enable them have healthy relationships through the various stages of life.
Children with loving fathers learn early in life to choose respect over contempt for the opposite gender: intimacy over emotional distance; sacrifice over selfishness: truth over hypocrisy: consistency over un-dependability: openness over secrecy; and self-confidence over guilt. In addition, fathers do provide children with firsthand experience of unconditional love and grace which nurture love, trust and intimacy within the children.
We should never underestimate a father’s position of power since children remain vulnerable and dependent on him to provide the right kinds of influence in the home. According to McGee, we see the scene set for one of three possibilities. The first possibility is that the father realizes his responsibility and makes the development of his children a top priority. This father spends time with his children while affirming their value both verbally and non-verbally. Children with such fathers tend to be emotionally healthy and usually develop a strong sense of self-worth. A second possibility is that father and child live in the same home and see each other every day. yet the father is unable or unwilling to express unconditional love for the child.
This father may be apathetic or abusive, passive or demanding. Children with these fathers begin to compensate for the lack of love and affirmation by either continuing to seek love from their fathers or by looking elsewhere. However, no matter what the child tries to do, he or she is not likely to find any way to adequately compensate for the emotional support the father failed to provide. A third possibility is the most common one—the father is seldom around. This is often because of factors such as divorce, or non-commitment from the children’s fathers to a life-long relationship.
As a result, mothers are out of the home at the workplace fending for the family. The child then spends much of his or her time alone, with no internal family support system. I do not know which of the three possibilities describes your childhood experience. All I know is that as we celebrate Father’s Day. it is important that we stop in our tracks in order to overcome the hurts of the past. It is only by doing so that we can begin to redefine the important concepts of love, trust and intimacy. In turn, the transformation of our perspectives can set us on paths of healing that will ensure that we are prepared for the unborn baby not only physically, but most importantly, emotionally.
The process may be both difficult and painful but a greater reward awaits you: an opportunity for you to provide your baby with what you never received: love, trust and intimacy. You can also talk to your partner or seek professional help for support. For those of us who grew up with loving, caring and supportive fathers, we need to stretch our hands and help a hurting partner or friend along the path of healing. I believe that as each one of us plays our various roles, a rich legacy will be left behind for our babies, stirring them towards being the best parents that they can ever be!
May we truly find and experience love, trust and intimacy this Father’s Day!
The writer is a member of the Trauma Counsellors’ Network (Kenya,). She is also a psychological counsellor and mentor by profession, and has a Master of Arts degree in Counselling Psychology from the United States International University (Africa).
END: PG22/12-13