Mum-dad intimacy – should your baby sleep in your bed?
Envisage this: you are busy kissing in bed when you are startled by a pat on your back. ‘Dad,’ comes the soft voice of your newly-walking toto. When did you wake up!’ you wonder aloud. Even though he is just a baby and does not yet fully grasp the nature of your nocturnal activities, you know he has caught you pants down and you struggle to quickly pull the blankets over yourself and your wife. You neglected to close your door forgetting that the baby can now walk and your bedroom is definitely his number one choice whenever he wakes up!
Babies have possibly ruined many sexual encounters between couples. Just when you thought the mood is right and the night cozy enough to make love, ‘waaaah!’ comes the sudden cry from junior’s bedroom. Then some brief silence and again…’waaaah!’ It is not impossible to imagine that babies do actually go on crying while daddy and mummy get some business quickly finished.
In some cases it is a gentle knock on the door, with a soft call, ‘Dad?’ Dad is not amused and Mum does not want to sound awake. A few more caresses down the line and a new interruption, this time a bit louder than the first, ‘Daddy!’ Stronger rattles on the door before the decisive one: ‘Daaaad!’ You simply have no choice but to abort mission and open the door.
Sometimes the temptation to ignore the knocking child is overwhelming. When Daddy does not open the door, the child shifts attention, ‘Muuuum!’ ‘Honey, I’m coming!’ shouts Mummy. So the child waits for her to come. But alas, she’s talking to her husband not the child!
Real challenges to intimacy
When we think of a sleeping baby, the most natural assumption is that the baby will be sleeping in close proximity to the mother. Many couples keep the baby’s cot in their bedroom, and some babies graduate to a normal small bed while still in Mummy’s bedroom.
In other cases, the baby sleeps in the same bed as the couple, resulting in some real challenges to intimacy. Just when matters are really hot, Dad looks to the side and his eyes meet those of his gazing baby. What next for Daddy?
Babies have slept in their parent’s beds or bedrooms from time immemorial. Constant contact between mother and baby not only gives the baby a sense of security but also strengthens the emotional bond between the two. Increased research into baby safety and ‘Sudden Infant Death Syndrome’ (SIDS) has in recent times however given rise to debate as to whether it is actually not safer and more convenient for the baby to sleep separately in a cot.
The baby-in-between
Some mothers prefer to have the baby in their bed. They are anxious that something might happen to the baby while they sleep. Worries about the baby falling off the bed may further lead the mother to keep the baby between her and her husband. However, the threesome sleeping position where the baby takes the middle slot can also be used as an excuse by a mother when she does not desire sexual contact with her husband. The baby-in-between becomes a weapon of war, rather than a bonding factor between the couple.
Although not obvious, a baby’s abode can easily put a wedge between husband and wife. In general, a mother is far more excited about their baby’s day long experiences and will want to talk about these late into the night. On the other hand, men in general are proud they have a baby, and want to leave it at that. How many times the baby wets the bed during the day may not be his favorite bedtime subject; he is content that the baby is fine and has a smile now, irrespective of what the day was like. If besides what seems to be endless stories about the baby climaxes in the-baby-in-between, your husband can be put off and sometimes for a long time.
While it is for parents to decide what the best sleeping place is for their baby, they should also not forget that they need each other emotionally and babies should not become the reason they cannot get to each other.
Create a balance between intimacy and baby care
For nine months a couple will have undergone several challenges as they await the birth of their baby. If there are no complications with the pregnancy, normal sex life will most likely have continued throughout to delivery time. On the other hand, there are those couples who have a silent covenant (not a healthy one) to keep off sex because they either mistakenly believe it is harmful to their unborn baby, or simply because they feel ‘odd’ or it feels ‘different’ because of her protruding tummy. In this case, it is even more crucial for the couple to resume intimate life as soon as possible otherwise it could easily be a year since making love!
A newborn baby can keep nagging you all night long, days on end. This might deny the two of you the much needed private moments which are also crucial for a new mother to settle down. If you find yourselves snapping at each other despite the joy of a new baby, one of the issues to re-evaluate may be your sex life. Certainly lovemaking in front of kids is uncomfortable and unwise, but parents should not be afraid of decent kisses and hugs in front of their kids. It’s healthy for children to see a show of affection between their parents.
It’s good for parents to teach their kids that their bedroom is always open to them, but there are private
times when both mum and dad need to be alone. Kids can make parents feel exhausted and romance becomes the last thing on their minds. Therefore it’s important for parents to spare some time for each others’ feelings.
While there are definite merits in keeping your baby in your bedroom soon after birth, it is advisable to start training the baby to sleep in a separate room after six months. In any case when the baby sleeps in your room, full time presence in your bed is not advisable.
Sometimes it is necessary to soothe the baby while lying on your bed. Once the baby gets sleepy, move him to his bed just before he hits dreamland so that he realizes he is going to sleep in his bed, where he ought to. Even where he has already dozed off, it is useful to tap him lightly once you have moved him; he will open his eyes slightly and lazily, but sleep knowing he is not in your bed. Some babies scream awake once they are moved to their beds, but if you routinely repeat the move they soon get used to it.
Do not attempt to make love while the baby is in your bed. You may end up minding the baby more than you mind your partner. It is harder for a woman to focus on sex with the baby present because she worries about the baby getting crashed. When finally disruptions occur the husband may feel neglected as virtually all the wife’s time and attention is devoted to the baby, in and out of bed.
An excellent way to cope with a baby if he cannot sleep in his own room is by having a baby cot besides your bed. This way the baby will be in the same room and you can check on him easily.
As they grow their brains store almost everything
Parents should not assume that their babies have limited awareness of what is going on. As they grow, kids absorb most of what they see and hear. An accidental bump into their parents while they are enjoying their conjugal rights is not one of the scenes a child will easily forget. Any kid aged two years and above should be encouraged to sleep in his own bedroom. While it is important that your child knows he is welcome to visit your bedroom any time he feels like it’s also important to train him to knock before entering. As a responsible parent you must also ensure you always lock your bedroom door in the event of intimacy.
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