Giving birth abroad
A couple’s experience
Chidi and Kamau were finally expecting their first child. Their joy was unmasked as they planned and prepared for their bundle of joy. They were in the UK; far away from home, their loved ones and all things familiar. Although this may have caused some anxiety, it did not diminish the joy of welcoming their son into the world.
Chidi carried her child way beyond 38 weeks. So, she was forced to wait until the baby was ready to come. ‘I was so happy that the process was over and the baby was finally here,’ she says of her son’s birth.
This was compounded by the fact that her epidural shot did not take effect and her baby was too big; they had to use forceps to help him out. Her initial reaction on seeing him was one of amazement at the life she held in her arms. But coupled with this was another emotion. ‘I felt utterly petrified that they were giving me this little person to take home as my own. If my mother-in-law had not been there with us, I would have held on to the doors of the hospital, refusing to go home.’
Before the birth, Chidi did all she could to prepare for her baby. She took time to read anything she could on pregnancy and childbirth. She talked to other parents about what they went through and what they would do differently the next time and tried to learn from their experiences.
But that is not all they did. Both Kamau and Chidi prayed for themselves and for their unborn child. ‘We prayed for everything; his health and development. We committed every single moment to God.’
The birth of a newborn is always expected to be joyous but that is not always what a mother experiences. When asked about her lowest and highest moments, Chidi said: ‘My lowest was the pain. I was literally screaming, saying that I had changed my mind and I wanted to go home while in full blown labour.’
Her highest moment was when she and her husband Kamau saw the first scans of the baby. It became more real that she was actually carrying a baby. ‘Also, the first time Kamau felt the baby kick. Oh! It was beautiful. His reaction was amazing; it was of both fear and joy wrapped up in one,’ she adds. Despite the joy of motherhood, it represents a time of change individually and in the marriage. Chidi states that her biggest change was the feeling like she was finally a grown up. Now, she had another person dependant on her and so the baby’s needs come first.
It also changed the dynamics of her marriage. ‘Before, I would want to spend all my time with Kamau. When Sean (her son) came it was not as urgent. I still missed being just the two of us but I was okay staying home with Sean.’ The couple also had to learn to make room for each other in raising the child. It is easy for a mother to assume she knows best what her baby needs and her partner can easily get sidelined. Chidi and Kamau also faced this challenge but after a few heated arguments, they decided to learn to listen to each other’s point of view.
Motherhood is a journey of constant sacrifice and for Chidi, the sacrifice was in having to give up her much loved sleep and the freedom to go out window-shopping for hours on end. Now, things have hanged. ‘I sometimes feel that I don’t have time just for me,’ states Chidi.
This is a special challenge for her, especially because in the UK, getting childcare is not easy. Chidi has had to rely on child-minders who on the lower side cost about £640 (Kshs 74,137.60) a month. The choice to stay home and raise a child is often not possible with both partners having to work to meet their monthly bills.
‘There are no house girls to leave your baby with. If you are not at work, you are home with your baby. Child-minders are a good option but often have other children they are caring for and so your child does not get the one-on-one attention you would love them to get,’ says Chidi adding: ‘Back home, one has more options where you can hire a house-help who you can train to follow your specific instructions or rely on the extended family members.’
It has been hard raising their first child in a foreign land but Chidi has praise for the healthcare agencies in the UK. They provide personal services with various visits to your home. One disadvantage is that there is a lot of red tape to overcome. “If I was back home (in Kenya), I probably would have had an induction. I had to sit and wait and in the end Sean was too big for me to push out,’ she says.
Chidi, however, sees a brighter side to having a baby abroad. Being away from home has also helped them assert their positions as parents. ‘When you are surrounded by family, there is often advice and ideas on how your child should be raised but when you are away, you have the chance to raise the child as you choose,’ she says.
They have faced challenges but they have learnt how to gain confidence in their parenting abilities without the support that most mothers would have here in Kenya. Chidi says: ‘Kamau and I are also closer. We had to lean on each other and it made us stronger, more understanding and patient with each other.’
END: BL 40 / 20