Coping with death of an infant; my baby died aged 3 months

One of my most difficult tasks after the death of my three-and-a-half-months-old baby was to make my five-year-old daughter, then my only other child, understand where her baby brother had gone to. Death of an infant is traumatising and the questions from young siblings are a daunting task. Unfortunately, virtually a daily one.

The other person who needed a lot of explanation about the baby passing on was none other than myself! There are things that happen in life which leave one utterly speechless, and the question was ‘why my baby?’

Getting pregnant with a second baby took me a good nine months

I had always believed conceiving a second baby was going to be a simple undertaking. I would think: you stop taking pills or whatever contraception you are using, get on your mission and bang, a baby is born!

My hubby and I had planned to have our second baby when the first one was at least three years of age. Not so easy; I soon found out when my husband and I decided to have another baby. Soon it stopped being fun but a task we had to attend to meticulously, applying both technique and effort. Being in my thirties then, anxiety soon gripped me. Maybe my chances were already gone and I was going through early menopause? I had been on family planning pills for three years. I was desperate though still hopeful and believed God would eventually bless me with a baby and especially a baby boy, since I already had a girl.

It took me a good nine months before I finally conceived. One Thursday morning I realized that my period was late and did a pregnancy test. I could hardly believe it when the test results were positive. By the time I got home, I must have read that result slip at least 50 times.

I didn’t break the news to my friends until I was three weeks pregnant and by then I was bursting to tell everyone. From then on I just loved being pregnant. I couldn’t wait to wear maternity clothes to show off my bump. I was anxious. I’m sure most moms cause a stir when they are pregnant, don’t they? This baby was my dream come true…

The pregnancy was difficult to carry compared to that of my first baby. This one came with morning sickness, an inexplicable dislike for some of my favourite foods and, most surprising, a dislike for some of my colleagues at work, especially men.

The baby showed no sign of illness

Finally, by God’s grace, I delivered a baby boy. I was glad my pregnancy had gone to full term and labour was mostly trouble though it lasted for five painful hours. During my previous pregnancy I had laboured for only three hours. The baby weighed three kilograms and showed no signs of illness. Everyone was happy I had a baby boy, especially my mother-in-law as we had to name the baby Maxwell, after her late husband. I even forgot the agony of labour pains which were a real struggle. Although I was exhausted, I was excited by the little boy I had brought forth.

I was discharged after two days. The baby started breastfeeding immediately. On the fourth day at home however, he refused to suckle and only breastfed once, in the morning. He spent the whole day sleeping and did not cry when wet, which was very unusual. Some instinct told me something was wrong. We took the baby to a doctor who diagnosed jaundice. He was admitted into a hospital where more tests were done. The doctors realized that he may be having other complications. They suspected a heart problem because of the symptoms he was presenting; his fingers and lips were a bluish colour.

‘Your baby has a heart problem,’ the doctor confirmed to me. ‘Congenital heart disease…’ Imagine that! My own baby not only sick, but with a heart problem? I was dumbfounded.

The baby began his seven-day treatment for jaundice in a photo box. On being discharged after ten days in hospital, I was asked to start attending clinic to monitor the baby’s heart condition.

The first few weeks that followed were terribly scary and I worried about everything. Suddenly I found myself without the rest I had so much anticipated. I agonized day and night wondering which direction my baby’s life would take.

We had also been referred to a pediatric cardiologist for further tests. These are expensive and require one to have adequate finances. Maxwell was booked for an echo test the following morning and admitted again to hospital. An echo is like a scan that shows the baby’s heart system, which is reflected on a computer screen. The test results confirmed the congenital heart condition. I was informed that this condition had developed while the baby was in the womb. In addition, the echo revealed that some veins connecting the heart to the lungs were blocked. According to the doctors, this could be corrected.

The following day Maxwell was taken to theatre for catheterisation, a process that involves the introduction of a tube to withdraw fluid out of blocked veins to facilitate flow of oxygen between the heart and the lungs. This was an interim measure to ease the condition since the baby was straining to breathe. Open-heart surgery was to follow at a later date. After almost two hours he was wheeled out of theatre and taken to the intensive care unit where he was monitored for three days. We got discharged thereafter to attend clinic twice a month.

It was during one of these visits that the doctor noticed that Maxwell was coughing and prescribed some antibiotics. He advised me to return after a week to check on his progress. This coincided with the appointment for a second echo test. At this visit, it was found that the veins had successfully blown up but the cough had not healed. We were admitted again after the doctors diagnosed pneumonia as the reason for the non-yielding cough.

It turned out to be quite a tiresome and frustrating wait for my baby’s recovery. Eventually I was informed that he had responded well and was now free of danger from pneumonia. We were discharged. After one week the same condition recurred and we were admitted yet again. He was put on treatment, recovered and was discharged.

Just five days after we were discharged from hospital, he passed on. Maxwell died when he was almost four months. I received a telephone call on a Friday at one o’clock that my baby was unwell and had to be rushed to hospital. I abandoned all else in a panic and rushed to the hospital. When I arrived, it was obvious something was terribly wrong as I learned he was in critical condition. The doctors tried their best but soon my treasured baby was no more. I cried. Yes, I cried, and did for a long time thereafter.

Coping with the death of an infant poses a real challenge. This was a very difficult time for me but I had to accept the reality. My husband too accepted Maxwell’s death and coped well with the situation. Our daughter kept on asking where her baby brother had gone to. My mother-in-law was also very affected by Maxwell’s death; she had grown very fond of the baby named after her late husband.

It is very painful to carry a pregnancy to term, deliver safely, have the baby in your arms for only a few weeks and then lose the child. Having gone through the pain of labour and the joy of seeing the baby, admiring him and always trying to imagine which features of the baby resemble which parent, I found it difficult to just say okay, he is dead, and get on with life.

My friends’ support

Though to date I still ask why it had to happen to me, I don’t blame anyone. Maxwell was born with the heart condition and the doctors tried all they could to save his life. I was thankful for their efforts. My friends and relatives were also very supportive and helped me tremendously, in coping with my loss. They were there for me whenever I need them and made me understand that the best medicine to heal the pain in my heart was to accept Maxwell’s death.

I came to appreciate that in as much as some women get unplanned pregnancies, conceiving is not something you take for granted. You realise this in full measure following the death of an infant — or indeed any child at any age.

My plea to all pregnant women is for them to take a special interest in their diet as eating appropriately can improve the overall health of the unborn baby. It is also important for all pregnant women to attend antenatal clinics where sometimes doctors can detect conditions affecting the unborn baby.

Notes from my diary before the demise of Maxwell…

“…I have every reason in the world to smile and celebrate Maxwell Kinuthia, our second born.

After the birth of our first-born daughter, my husband and I decided we would want to have our children while we were still young and strong. We decided to space our children by three years. The three years passed quickly and it was soon time to fulfil our dream. I was remotely thinking of a son but I kept this to myself only to learn later that my husband harboured the same thoughts.

For nine months I was unable to conceive. Friends suggested the reason as the side effects of the family planning I had been using after the birth of our first child. This overly worried me, keeping in mind that I had been brought up amongst deeply rooted traditional norms which demanded extension of the family tree.

I believe that my husband had hoped for a boy the first time and not having a chance to bear him a son and probably other children was overwhelming for me. It affected me so personally I could not even concentrate at work, so I sought professional help. A close friend, who had unsuccessfully tried for three years to get a second child and had finally succeeded, urged us on but this inadequacy weighed heavily on us. We however did not give up and followed professional advice and eventually succeeded!

Now that I have a son, it feels great. I have achieved my husband’s dream of siring an heir.

Reaching full term was satisfying. I was elated because Maxwell’s birth coincided with my due date. The labour lasted five hours, compared to that of our first baby girl which was actually two hours shorter.

‘It is a Boy! Looks like the father,’ are some of the accolades I have come to cherish. My in-laws are giving me so much attention, especially my mother-in-law who has visited me severally to see her late husband’s namesake.

I can’t stop looking at the cutest boy on earth. Our Maxwell…”

Death of an infant — Defining the conditions that affected Maxwell

JAUNDICE is a yellow discolouration of the skin, the mucous membranes or the sclera (the white outer coat of the eyeball). It can occur to the mother-to-be during pregnancy, or to the new born baby. In the case of babies, it may be caused by high levels of bilirubin in the blood, which gives an infant’s skin and eyeballs a yellow colour. A newborn baby no longer needs high levels of haemoglobin, a pigment in the red blood cells which enables the cells to transport oxygen during blood circulation and assists with oxygen transfer within the uterus during pregnancy.

Excess red blood cells are therefore broken down into bilirubin. A catalyst from the liver assists in a process that removes the bilirubin from the system. Due to the relative immaturity of a baby’s liver function, this process is sometimes delayed; bilirubin accumulates in the blood and leaks into the tissues, resulting in the yellow stain noticed on the skin and sclera of a baby with jaundice. Normally this corrects itself and there is no need for treatment. However, persistently high levels of bilirubin may cause yellow staining of some cells in the brain, a condition known as kernicterus. This leads to brain damage in the infant.

Kernicterus can be fatal, with the baby either dying or surviving with mental or neurological defects. Babies whose bilirubin levels remain high may require phototherapy or blood replacement transfusion to avoid the onset of kernicterus. It is therefore important for parents of a newborn to seek medical opinion if they notice signs of jaundice.

PNEUMONIA is an infection on the lower respiratory tract (usually the lungs). It results from different types of germs including bacteria, viruses, fungi and parasites. The resultant inflammation of the lungs leads to fever, cough, loss of appetite and difficulty in breathing, which limits the amount of oxygen getting into the blood. The symptoms of pneumonia include unusually rapid breathing.

CONGENITAL HEART DISEASE
 The word congenital simply means ‘born with’. It refers in general to the existence of an infection, disease or abnormality at birth. A congenital heart disease is therefore any malformation of the heart of a fetus. The baby is born with structural defects of the great blood vessels or the heart resulting from abnormal development of these organs while the baby is being formed in the womb.

The signs and symptoms of congenital heart disease may present early in life or in the later years depending on the degree of the abnormality.

Some of the symptoms of the heart disease can be difficulty in breathing, an abnormal beating of the heart or the baby’s skin turning bluish due to lack of oxygen.

END: BL2/48-51

1 Comment

  1. Ganesh Lamichhane on July 22, 2018 at 6:52 am

    So sorry for you. I had the similar case as yours. I recently lost my baby girl, my second child. She was admitted to the hospital for Pneumonia, was diagnosed with congenital heart disease, MIXED TYPE TAPVC. She recovered from pneumonia after 15 days of treatment, but the day I switched her to a heart hospital, she suddenly gave up and left us all. She was with us for just 102 days. It has been now 26 days days today. My wife seems to have coped up, but I still has not been able to take up the fact that my child has passed away. Every now and then she comes to my memory and my heart wrenches. I feel like why only my child … I dunno how will the rest of my life be … But my little angel’s memory will be treasured all the life … the few days and little times we spent together … the time she was in my arms … It is really very tough to feel that your arms are empty forever …

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