Bonding
Helping your spouse bond with your new baby
WHO is the firstborn in your family? Many women say their husband is their first child. Interestingly, some men agree! Maybe because if there is one reason that can make a relationship between a couple go away, it is a man’s perception that his partner is neglecting him because of her overt love for ‘her’ babies. One of the most intense and enduring love affairs of all times occurs between a mother and her newborn. It is such a captivating and demanding relationship that if not properly nurtured can easily lead to your spouse feeling out of place, least useful and sometimes a bother.
You can become either the greatest impediment or the most inspirational catalyst for bonding your newborn with your spouse.
Sharing your love
The first step is to ensure your spouse does not see your new-found love as a threat or replacement. This creates the right environment for you to freely share with him the pleasures of having the newborn.
Avoid referring to the newborn as ‘my’ baby, when addressing your spouse. ‘Our’ baby is the more appropriate phrase.
When unhappy or you feel the baby bothering you, do tell him ‘take your baby’.
Involve him in baby care. Do not keep all the baby tasks to yourself or turn down your spouse when he lends a hand. Equally, do not become the know-it-all mother who sees only misdeeds and errors whenever he shares in the caring.
There are many simple ways of getting daddy involved — bottle-feeding, night vigil, baby massage, rocking, etc.
Do not force your spouse to undertake certain tasks just because ‘this is our baby and you must therefore…’ Both of you should discuss your preferences openly: you will be surprised how much you can share voluntarily.
Do not refuse with the child. Sometimes you may feel you want to keep holding onto your baby, especially during times of distress. Your newborn does provide a certain degree of subconscious let-up. Your spouse may request you to surrender the baby to him at such a moment. You can turn such an opportunity into a bonding session for the three of you.
Do not hide behind the baby. Do not deliberately refuse to do this or that for you spouse ‘because of the baby.’You may not be in the mood for intimacy and get tempted to overstay with the baby or in the baby’s room even though it is evident the baby does not need you. This only leads to your spouse resenting the baby’s presence and destroying any urge he may have, to bond with the baby.
How can mum and dad bond with their new baby?
Bonding propagates through the senses of speech, touch and sight. Some of the most effective avenues for bonding are:
Speech: During pregnancy, your unborn child has already mastered your voice and that of your spouse or those closest to you. The previously muffled voices are now real and your newborn will quickly identify with and respond to your voices. It is appropriate for you to speak directly to your baby, to sing and make soothing and humming sounds. In time, you will notice a brightening face and an appreciative smile from your baby.
Touch: Even among adults, the sense of touch bears very strong reactions — either positive or negative. It is one of the most powerful bonding instruments for babies. The most obvious manifestation of the effects of touch is when the baby’s eyes close for another sleeping session.
Three forms of touch take the prize: cuddling, massage and presence. Cuddling refers to a warm embrace that makes the child feel covered and protected. In later childhood, your baby will ask you for a hug or a hold.
Massage is any gentle physical touch meant to relieve stress or persuade your baby to relax or sleep. Baby massage is the most common form of massage worldwide as it happens subconsciously.
Research has proven that baby massage results in improved infant growth and reduced baby anxiety.
Presence: This refers to the distance between you and your baby. During pregnancy the baby became used to your presence. Just getting into the baby’s room is sometimes enough to get the crying infant to settle down. The closer your baby gets to you, the better the bonding. In most cases, presence is accompanied by occasional touch in the form of strokes and kisses.
Sight: This has traditionally been the magical language of love hence the all-time popular expression ‘love at first sight’. Looking straight into your baby’s eyes lovingly will achieve leaps in bonding. You will often see the magnetism and fascination with which your baby stares back. Since a newborn’s sight range is limited — approximately eight to fourteen inches — it is advisable to keep your face close to enable the baby have a good view of your face. Ordinarily, the breast-feeding distance is adequate.
Feeding: This time is also a perfect opportunity to bond. You should take full advantage of the forum created by feeding, to introduce all the other bonding strategies. When you and your partner feed the baby together, bonding is enhanced as the baby feels more loved and secure. You may be tempted to feed the baby yourself, because you think your spouse is not doing it as should be done. Avoid this and let your spouse take his time with the baby.
Satisfying baby’s needs: This is one of the most powerful causes of bonding. Very quickly your newborn will learn that you are both the provider and the comforter. It is important to respond to the baby’s demands, and to do so promptly. Your baby will love you even more, once she knows that you are always available at call to sort out problems.
Lastly, remember that your own state of mind and health determines how prepared you are to bond with your baby. Inevitably, stressed up parents find it more challenging to bond with their newborn. A difficult birth, a strained relationship, other recent negative events and post-natal depression, will all lengthen the bonding period.
END: PG 3/56-57